Game of Thrones 5×3 Recap – High Sparrow

House Stark/Baratheon

Here we are, inside the House of Black and White. It’s damp and a bit spooky with a lot of statues along the walls. Arya is grumpily sweeping as Jaqen sits with a man by the pool of water in the middle of the floor. He gives the man a cup of water and they exchange “Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.” The man then drops dead; all men must die and these people are no joke.

Arya is over the sweeping. That’s not what she’s here for; she wants to serve. She’s got a kill list! Come on let’s get going! What must she do to become a Faceless Man? The answer? She must become no one.

Later, Arya is confronted by another girl that’s in training at the House of Black and White. “Who are you? You, who walk in here with a coin you never earned, whose value you don’t respect. Who are you?” Arya, ever the quick learner, replies “no one.” The girl whips Arya. With every objection, the girl continues to whip her. “Who are you?” the girl asks again. “You’re about to find out!” says Arya as she reaches for Needle and I applaud my television but Jaqen enters before it can escalate into an all out catfight. Jaqen scolds Arya for wanting to become “no one” while she is still holding on tightly to all of her personal belongings. Time for a makeover!

After her first costume change since season 1, Arya throws her personal items into the Narrow Sea. The last thing is Needle. Can she do it? Images of Jon Snow and a happy Stark family at Winterfell flash through my mind. Don’t do it, Arya! Whew! She doesn’t do it. Instead, she hides Needle in some rocks and continues sweeping.

Jaqen shows up and leads Arya down a scary staircase to a room with the latest body and the bully-girl that was whipping Arya. Together, Arya and the girl undress the body and begin to clean it. “What do we do after we wash them?” she asks. No answer.

Speaking of Winterfell, we’re baaaaack! It’s now decorated with House Bolton flags, some gross looking bodies, and there’s poor Theon. Back to the bodies, they’re victims of Ramsay of course. He went out collecting taxes but decided to flay and collect bodies instead. When Lord Cerwyn refused to pay anyone but a Stark, Ramsay calmly explained that he “flayed him living along with his wife and brother, made his son watch. The new Lord Cerwyn paid his taxes.”

Roose Bolton is nervous. Not only is his son a psychopath but also he doesn’t have enough men to hold the North. Yes, he made a pact with the Lannisters but that pact was with Tywin, who is now deceased. The remaining Lannisters won’t send someone this far north. Roose explains to Ramsay, “We’ve become a great house by forming alliances with other Houses and parlaying those alliances into greater power. The best way to forge a lasting alliance isn’t by peeling a man’s skin off. The best way is marriage. It’s high time you married a suitable bride. And as it happens, I’ve found the perfect girl to solidify our hold on the North.” It’s then that my stomach sinks. It makes perfect sense. It’s Sansa.

Side note: I loved watching Theon eavesdrop during this scene. There’s still a small part of Theon left in there. He still understands the game being played. The subtleties by Alfie Allen make that crystal clear. I hope Theon rises up and protects Sansa.

Sansa and Littlefinger arrive at Moat Cailin. That’s when Littlefinger reveals his plan. He’s taking Sansa “home” to Winterfell and he’s made a marriage proposal for Sansa, not for himself. She objects, naturally. Roose Bolton murdered Catelyn and Robb. Littlefinger gives her the pep talk he’s probably been preparing since the Red Wedding:

“Winterfell is your home. Always. You’re a Stark. Dying your hair doesn’t change that. You’re Sansa Stark, eldest surviving child of Ned and Catelyn Stark. Your place is in the North. You’ve been running all your life. Terrible things happen to your family and you weep. You sit alone in a darkened room mourning their fates. You’ve been a bystander to tragedy from the day they executed your father. Stop being a bystander. Stop running. There’s no justice in the world. Not unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.”

So that’s it, Sansa escapes one psychopath only to marry another. She will wed Ramsay Bolton and hopefully avenge her family by murdering him in his sleep. Fingers crossed.

Now this is the biggest deviation from the books to date. It changes everything. At first I found it strange, shocking even. Sansa would never marry the man responsible for killing her family. Then I warmed up to it.

First, it brings a Stark back to Winterfell—Winterfell is the closest thing us viewers have to “home” and seeing a Stark there just makes things feel a bit better. I’m sure the warm and fuzzies won’t last. Surely Ramsay has wreaked all kinds of havoc on our beloved home but let’s just live in this happy place and remember simpler times for a few minutes longer. As the servant said, “Welcome home Lady Stark. The North remembers.”

Second, it gives Sansa a mission. Why should Arya be the only Stark girl out for vengeance? Poor, naïve Sansa with her lemon cakes is no more! She’s grown. She’s evolved. She is pursuing vengeance in her own way. We have to remember that Sansa was bred to be married. She was told from a young age that she would be a princess and that she would marry for power. She now is simply using the tools she has available to avenge her family.

Third, it gives Sophie Turner something to do. The actress has been severely underused. Her character has been pretty one-dimensional from the start so I like this change. If the actress can handle it, I say let’s see it. And judging from soundbites in December, it seems like we will. “There was one scene that I did do which was super, super traumatic, and I love doing those scenes,” Turner said. “It was just really kind of horrible for everyone to be on set and watch.”

When Sansa arrives to Winterfell and meets Roose Bolton for the first time I just knew she was going to slap him. Instead, she smiles and curtseys. Ramsay and Sansa meet. Each is falsely charming. Myranda (Ramsay’s like-minded, torture friendly girlfriend) angrily watches from afar. Later, Ramsay and Littlefinger watch Sansa cross the courtyard. “She really is lovely, I hope I can make her happy…I’ll never hurt her. You have my word,” says Ramsay. Ha, yea right. Littlefinger remarks that he hasn’t heard much about the young Lord Bolton. Ramsay clarifies that he is actually Roose Bolton’s bastard. Can we just pause for a second and take a look at Littlefinger’s face:

Things running through Littlefinger’s mind at this very moment

• Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.
• Is it too late to change my mind?
• Thiiiiiiiis is the bastard?
• Joffrey>Ramsay
• What did I get my precious Sansa into?
• Can I request a do over?
• Wait, isn’t she technically still married to Tyrion?
• I’m definitely going to hell now.
• I hope he lets me keep my little finger.

Moving on, when Roose arrives Littlefinger assures him that Sansa is still a virgin. They discuss their histories with the Lannisters. “The Lannister name doesn’t mean what it used to.” Littlefinger explains to Roose that every ambitious move is a gamble and “the last time the lords of the Eryie formed an alliance with the lords of the North they brought down the greatest dynasty this world has ever known.” This union has potential.

Nearby, Brienne and Podrick are following Sansa and Littlefinger. I’ve never been so happy to see Brienne in my life. Surely, she will act as Sansa’s guardian angel in this wreck of a situation.

Brienne and Podrick have what has to be their first ever real conversation. She knows she hasn’t been very kind, but he tells her, “You’re the best fighter I’ve ever seen. You beat the Hound. I’m proud to be your squire.” With that, you can see Brienne perk up. Maybe Podrick isn’t so bad after all? She decides to train him. She will teach him how to fight and properly ride a horse.

Brienne then talks about her service to Renly and how their friendship came to be. Her father once held a ball so she could find a good match. It was wonderful. No one noticed how tall she was. They all whispered sweet nothings into her ear. She was so happy. Eventually she realized the boys were toying with her. She tried to run away but Renly Baratheon stopped her and said, “Don’t let them see your tears. They’re nasty little sh*ts and nasty little sh*ts aren’t worth crying over.” He danced with her all night and no one bothered her after that. “He saved me from being a joke, from that day until his last day. I couldn’t save him.”

Then we learn Brienne’s plan for vengeance; she’s going after Stannis.

Heading over to The Wall, Jon Snow is hard at work as the new Lord Commander. He’s everything we thought he would be: kind, patient, stern, loyal.

During a meeting with Stannis Baratheon, he refuses the opportunity to become Jon Stark. His place is on The Wall. “You’re as stubborn as you’re father and as honorable,” Stannis tells him. Jon Snow wants to know how much longer they’re going to be crashing at Castle Black. Stannis is basically that drunken friend that passes out on your couch and eats all your frozen dinners before dawn. Castle Black is running out of food and winter is coming. Stannis says he plans to march on Winterfell within the fortnight.

But, what to do with the Wildlings? Will Tormund compromise? Stannis thinks that Jon Snow should execute them. The other Brothers don’t want the free folk around. And what to do with Ser Alliser Thorne? Dismissing Stannis’ advice, Jon Snow says he intends to keep his enemies close.

After Stannis exits Davos says to Jon Snow, “he sees something in you. Might not be apparent from his tone but it’s the truth. He believes in you.” Stannis only wants to do what’s right for the Seven Kingdoms and he thinks he needs Jon Snow to do that. Davos reminds Snow of the line within the Night’s Watch oath—the shield that guards the realms of men. “That’s what you swore to be. Maybe people need you outside of The Wall. As long as the Boltons rule, the North will suffer.” I wonder how this is going to play out with Sansa? Could Jon Snow potentially rescue the North and Sansa?

Later, Jon Snow appoints Ser Alliser Thorne as First Ranger. He decides to send Lord Janos Slynt to Greyguard, which is apparently a ruin. Slynt does not want any part of that dump. Snow tells him “that was a command, not an offer.” Slynt refuses, repeatedly.

Slynt’s refusal is punishable by death. Snow cannot start his reign as Lord Commander by being soft so he has Slynt hauled to the courtyard for execution. If there’s one thing that Jon Snow has learned, it is how to properly behead someone when it’s needed. He marches to the podium.

“If you have any last words my Lord, now’s the time.” Slynt begs for forgiveness. He declares Jon Snow the true Lord Commander. “I’m afraid. I’ve always been afraid.” The Night’s Watch is not a place for scared men, not with winter coming. With that, Snow chops off his head. Stannis nods approvingly.

House Lannister

We check in at King’s Landing with a little Tour de Cersei Lannister. Under the sound of ringing bells, Cersei is carried in her litter toward the Great Sept of Baelor to celebrate the wedding of King Tommen and Queen Margaery. The street is lined with people from the Capitol adoringly shouting the name of the new Queen. Cersei is seething as she realizes that Margaery has succeeded in winning over the people of the city.

Margaery exchanges yet another set of wedding vows (third time’s the charm, right?) and finally becomes THE Queen that she always wanted to be. I loved how in this scene, we see Cersei through the silhouettes of the new couple as they exchange their first kiss. It’s evident that this wedding is the last thing Cersei ever wanted to happen. Boy, no one can deliver a scowl quite like Lena Headey.

After the wedding, we cut immediately to Margaery and Tommen consummating the marriage. Margaery knew better this time and didn’t spend any time waiting. When they finish, the new King is practically squealing with pleasure and expresses concern for hurting Margaery. Oh sweet innocent Tommen. You didn’t hurt her. Is he really so different from his cruel brother, Joffrey? I hope so for Margaery’s sake.

Speaking of the late King Joffrey, Tommen confides in Margaery that he often thinks about how everything he has – a new, beautiful Queen and the title of King – is only his because his brother is dead. Margaery tells him that he shouldn’t feel guilty about that but Tommen insists that he feels no guilt. Maybe he isn’t so different from Joffrey at all. Margaery starts to carefully sink her claws into the Boy King. Instead of revealing her true feelings toward Cersei, she feigns admiration of the Queen Mother’s motherly affections. She tells Tommen that it is so wonderful how Cersei is always looking after him like “a lioness guarding her cub.” Tommen insists that he no longer needs his mother looking after him because he is officially a man. But Margaery reminds him that as long as Cersei is in King’s Landing, Tommen will always be her baby boy.

The next scene takes us immediately to Cersei and Tommen strolling through the Capitol arm-in-arm.   The two discuss the new Queen and the new marriage and then Tommen reveals that the seeds of doubt planted by Margaery have successfully taken root. Tommen suggests that Cersei leave King’s Landing to return home to Casterly Rock where she can finally be happy. Tommen probably does want his mother to be happy but these words are not his and Cersei knows exactly where they are coming from.

She heads right to the source and visits Margaery and the ladies of the court. This is my favorite Margaery vs. Cersei scene to date. Cersei enters the room as Margaery recounts the four different times that her and Tommen consummated the marriage. When Margaery spots Cersei, she jumps from her chair and greets Cersei with a hug and an exclamation of “Mother!” Now that Margaery is Queen, she is fearless, almost careless, wasting no time to take jabs at Cersei. “I wish I had some wine for you, it’s a bit early in the day for us.” Cersei dismisses the comment, though she does appear to be a bit shocked, and claims that the reason for her visit is just to make sure that her new daughter-in-law knows that she is always there for her. Margaery expresses gratitude and reveals to the Queen Mother that she may soon be a Queen Grandmother, since she is so exhausted from Tommen’s “enthusiasm.” Cersei doesn’t linger and as she excuses herself, Margaery throws one last jab. “What’s the proper way to address you now? Queen Mother or Dowager Queen?”

Cersei maintains her cool, insists such formality is not required, and marches out of the gardens. The laughter of the girls rings through her head as she’s leaving. She may have been calm and level-headed in that moment, but we know Cersei will not go down without a fight. Margaery better watch her back (and her drinks!).

Back in Baelish’s brothel, we find the creep-tastic High Septon selecting from amongst the Seven Whore Gods. The Septon’s fun is interrupted by the Sparrows, led by Cersei’s favorite Lannister cousin Lancel, who are there to reprimand the Septon for his promiscuous behavior. As punishment, they force him to walk through the streets naked, flogging him whenever he attempts to cover himself, while the crowds hiss “sinner, sinner.”

The re-clothed Septon marches directly to the King’s Council and asks Cersei to throw the head of the Sparrows, the High Sparrow, in the black cells as punishment for the assault against him. Pycelle spoke up in his defense, but that doesn’t surprise me. (We remember you, Ros!) The wheels in Cersei’s head are spinning…but why?

Despite warnings from her King’s Guard, Cersei weaves her way through the poor in Flee Bottom (I’m guessing) to find the High Sparrow, a shoeless man feeding soup to the poor. The High Sparrow (hey you, Governor Swann) and Cersei discuss his choice of nickname, which he finds humorous, and his decision to give away his shoes, which he made to remind himself who he really is. The High Sparrow then reveals that he knows why Cersei has visited – to arrest him for what he did to the High Septon. Cersei reveals that the High Septon actually requested for the High Sparrow to be executed but rather than doing that, she has thrown the Septon into the Red Keep. “The faith and the crown are the two pillars that hold up this world. One collapses, so does the other. We must do everything necessary to protect one another.” Oh really? Since when has Cersei become so religious?

After her visit with the Sparrow, Cersei heads to see the mad scientist/healer Qyburn and asks him to send an urgent message to Petyr Baelish “wherever he’s slithering about.” She also asks Qyburn how his project is coming along and tells him to keep at it. After she leaves, we see what we thought was an inanimate body on a table come to life under a blanket! What is under there, Qyburn? Is it a Franken-Mountain of sorts?! Whatever it is, Cersei knows and I don’t have a good feeling about it.

We catch up with our favorite Lannister, Tyrion, as he starts to lose his mind on the road to Meereen. Tyrion insists that he is sick of seeing Varys’ face and he needs to get out of the cart for a bit before he goes crazy. Lord Varys warns him that there is a price on Tyrion’s head and if he’s recognized, it’s all over. Tyrion insists he’s just one more drunk dwarf and the two step out in Volantis. Reminder – Volantis was the home of the late Robb Stark’s wife (RIP, the North Remembers) and through re-tellings of her childhood, Talisa revealed Volantis to be a major slave city.

We find Varys and Tyrion walking through a gigantic, organized slave market. We learn that the slaves are marked by tattoos on their faces as to be easily recognized. But word of slave revolutions from Slaver’s Bay have made their way to Volantis and the slaves are not happy. Tyrion and Varys stumble upon a Red Preacher of the Lord of Light surrounded by a chanting crowd. The preacher is talking about slavery and claims that the Red King hears their misery and has sent them a new savior. “From the fire she was reborn to remake the world; the Dragon Queen!” Tyrion mocks the speech and jokes about how they are on their way to the savior. The Red Preacher hears him and a dark, foreboding look is exchanged between her and Tyrion.

Tyrion and Varys head to a brothel and we learn that the influence of the Dragon Queen has reached even the most desperate of places. A prostitute walks around dressed in an ass-less Dany get up, hair and all. Tyrion and Varys sit in a darkened corner and don’t realize that there is another Game of Thrones character/Dany lover in their presence.

Tyrion leaves Varys to talk to “someone with hair” and finds a bitter brunette prostitute. “They all want to f*ck a queen,” she says as she glares at the Dany imitation. She knows Tyrion has no money but the two share a connection and she offers him pity sex. To everyone’s surprise, including Tyrion’s, he rejects! “I’m sorry, I can’t.” She reassures him that she can and coaxes him to join her but he insists it’s something he cannot do. “Believe me, no one is more shocked than I am. I hope it passes!”

Defeated, Tyrion leaves and goes to piss into the sea. He hears someone walk up behind him and thinks its Varys. Alas, it is not! It is Ser Jorah Mormont, who we spotted earlier in the crowd.   Jorah seizes and gags Lord Tyrion. “I’m taking you to the Queen,” he says as he carts off Tyrion on his shoulder. We’re left to wonder the question of the hour….WHICH QUEEN?! I would bet all of the Lannister gold that it is none other than the love of his life, Daenerys Targaryen.

Side Note – Tyrion made an off-handed comment while listening to the Red Preacher about the disease, greyscale.  We also heard Stannis’ daughter, Shireen Baratheon, discuss the illness from which she suffers with Gilly in last week’s episode.  Something tells me that this is no coincidence but foreshadowing and we can expect a major character to go down from the illness before all is said and done.

Rock Paper Watch’s Top Quote of 5×3:

Jenn’s Pick –  “It’s a perfectly good face.”  – Varys in response to Tyrion’s angst against only seeing him for days on end.

Elizabeth’s Pick – “Stop being a bystander. Stop running. There’s no justice in the world. Not unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.”

Game of Thrones Recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera (Lannister and Targaryen) and Elizabeth Bond (Stark/Baratheon and Martell).  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.

Game of Thrones 5×1 Recap – The Wars to Come

Before diving in, let’s start with the fancy updated intro. Winterfell is no longer on fire and we have a new addition, Pentos! We later find out this is where Tyrion has landed.

House Targaryen

The first Daenerys Stormborn moment of the season opens with the golden statue that sat atop the slave city of Meereen toppling down over the city.  Is this a symbol for the season to come?  Is Dany’s army beginning to fall?

This episode certainly doesn’t help my theory.  After the statue is successfully down, an Unsullied heads into town to visit a brothel.  Strange, I thought.  Why would he go there?  Apparently, he had visited this brothel before and has a regular request of the women there.  He lays down topless while a topless woman lays behind him and rubs his head.  He seemed so relaxed and innocent until…his throat is suddenly slit.  The women and the killer, a man in a golden V for Vendetta mask, stand above the body and watch as he bleeds out.

The mask is left on the body of the Unsullied for Dany to discover and it apparently represents the Sons of the Harpys, a group that is bad news bears for #TeamDany.  It turns out that Dany is not being heralded in the slave cities as a liberator but as a conqueror and citizens are rebelling against her and her Unsullied.  Dany tells Barristan Selmy and the rest of her Jorah-free Queen’s Guard to hold the burial of the murdered Unsullied, White Rat, in a temple – an action meant to anger those who are rebelling.

After this is decided, Missandei and Grey Worm chat in private per Missandei’s request.  She asks why White Rat and many other Unsullied are being spotted visiting brothels considering all Unsullied are also eunuchs.  Grey Worm does not know and leaves without providing any more insight.

Dany continues to deal with the politics associated with liberating the free cities.  Her ambassador from Yunkai returns with Daario Naharis and says the deal to establish a council of elders was agreed upon.  However, the former masters have a request – they want to reopen the fighting pits.  Rather than slaves fighting to the death, they suggest that free men be allowed to fight free men.  He argues that Dany making this decision would send the message that she respects their pre-established culture and traditions but Dany refuses.

Later, in the boudoir, Daario Naharis attempts to convince Dany that she should indeed reopen the pits.  Daario explains how he rose through the pits as a champion, which gave him resources to help his mother and lead him to become the man he is today.  He tells Dany he isn’t afraid to speak the truth to her and warns her that a sign of weakness will give her enemies the chance they need, therefore it’s imperative for her to show her strength now.  Dany points out that the Unsullied are patrolling the streets but she misinterpreted Daario. “You’re not the mother of Unsullied.  You’re the Mother of Dragons.  A Dragon Queen with no dragons?  That’s not a Queen.”  You go, Daario.

Finally, Dany braves the underground cage she created and enters the dragon lair.  At first, the room is silent and Dany cautiously calls out the dragons’ names.  Suddenly, fire erupts and the dragons are enraged, thrashing and spewing fire at their mother.  They don’t seem to recognize her but if they do, they definitely don’t care.  Dany runs out of the lair, visibly shaken and frightened of her full grown children.

House Lannister

We have our very first Game of Thrones flashback, LOST style in our season-opening scene.  Meet young Cersei Lannister – a rebellious blonde teenager who is still arrogant, bossy, and a little too confident.  Young Cersei guides her friend into a creepy house in woods near Casterly Rock.  The two girls enter per Cersei’s insistence and find a witch? a creepy woman? a sage? I’m not 100% sure.  But Cersei uses her Lannister name to force the woman into telling her future.  The woman licks a drop of Cersei’s blood then gives Cersei three questions.  Cersei asks when she will be married but the witch tells Cersei won’t marry a prince, she will marry a King and become Queen.  However, she won’t be Queen for long.  “You’ll be Queen for a time.  Then comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear.”  She also tells Cersei that the king will have 20 children but Cersei will only have three children and she will see them all die.  “Gold their crowns, gold their shrouds.”  Eeeeeerily accurate, if you ask me.

We cut to Cersei in the present day preparing to attend the funeral of the late Tywin Lannister.  She is wearing black to mourn her father as she marches through the streets of King’s Landing to the sound of the bells accompanied by a King’s Guard.  Cersei makes the funeral attendees wait so she can have a moment alone with her father.  Turns out Jaime Lannister is also with Tywin and the two share a not-so-tender moment.  They discuss their fears – Jaime’s fear that the lords and ladies of Westeros will try and steal everything Tywin has created for him and Cersei’s fear of where and what Tyrion is doing.  Cersei is completely focused on “the little monster” who killed their father.  She asks Jaime if he set Tyrion free.  When Jaime doesn’t respond, she tells him that at least Tyrion killed their father by choice.  Jaime helped in that killing by refusing to ever acknowledge that Tyrion was a problem.  It’s not surprising to me that Tywin, the man who stood between Jaime and Cersei for their entire lives, is continuing to drive them apart in his absence.  But it is surprising for me to see Jaime’s concern for the inheritance he cannot have and so boldly refused while Cersei is dismissing the inheritance we thought she’d go after.  Maybe Cersei really was the Lannister who contributed most to Tywin’s legacy.  With a farewell kiss from Cersei, we see the last of Tywin Lannister.  I cannot say I’m upset.

We immediately find ourselves in a box, peering through a wall of peepholes, moving awkwardly through a city.  Tyrion Lannister has finally arrived in Pentos, safe and sound though covered in poop, courtesy of Lord Varys.  Tyrion looks like shit as he struggles to stand after crossing the Narrow Sea in such dismal conditions.  Varys apologizes for the situation but reminds Tyrion the crate was necessary since Varys broke many laws by breaking him out of King’s Landing making them both wanted men.  Varys tells Tyrion he is at the home of a friend, Illyrio Mopatis (Reminder: this is the same man who housed Dany and her horrid brother, Viserys, before Dany was wed to Khal Drogo).  Varys goes on to explain that Varys, Illyrio, and a group of others were working in secret to support a Targaryen restoration of the throne by overthrowing King Robert, setting forth a chain of events that contributed to where they have ended up today.  Tyrion starts…continues…drinking and it’s visible that he’s being haunted by the murders of Shae and Lord Tywin.  He must come to terms with what he has done before he can begin to plan the next step for himself and for the Realm.

Later, Tyrion and Varys discuss how Tyrion ended up in a box crossing the Narrow Sea.  Varys sticks with the story that Lord Jaime asked him to save Tyrion’s life.  But then he adds more.  Varys saved Tyrion for the Seven Kingdoms.  Varys believes “men of talent have a part to play in the war to come.”  Tyrion is doubtful but Varys reminds him that Tyrion has instincts for politics coupled with compassion.  “What is it you want exactly?” asks Tyrion.  Varys wants peace and a ruler in place who will not spread misery throughout the lands.  They both agree that Tyrion himself could never sit on the Iron Throne.  “But you could help another climb those steps and take that seat.”  Varys goes on to explain the ideal Westerosi monarch – a strong ruler with a gentle heart; both intimidating and inspiring.  Leading to my favorite exchange of the episode:

Varys: “A ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name.”
Tyrion: “Good luck finding him.”
Varys:  “Who said anything about him?”

Then, Varys asks Tyrion if he will ride with him to Meereen to meet Daenerys and find out if the world is worth fighting for.  Cue my insides freaking out on this possible character interaction.

Back at the funeral, Ser Loras Tyrell goads Cersei by pretending to fake deep remorse for her father.  Cersei pretends to listen while really focusing on Margaery Tyrell and her young, beautiful hands carefully grazing King Tommen.  As Cersei dismisses herself, she is stopped by a strangely familiar face.  Lancel Lannister returns but is almost unrecognizable, barefoot with a Marine-worthy buzz cut wearing nothing but a plain robe.  Cersei says as much before Lancel’s father walks over and breaks up the conversation.  Lancel’s father apologizes for his sons appearance and tells her that Lancel is now a part of a religious group that refer to themselves as the Sparrows.  Cersei excuses herself, grabs some wine, and seeks alone time.  But Lancel finds her again and, in a new deep voice, tells Cersei that he can be forgiven now.  He talks about how he tempted her into the darkness of their incestual bed and then brings up King Robert and the boar hunt.  Cersei feigns ignorance but Lancel insists that he is finally at peace for what they’ve done and Cersei can find peace in the Light of the Seven, too.  This conversation is strange but we gain a very useful tidbit of information.  Lancel blames himself and the Queen Regent for the death of King Robert.  Maybe the theory of Lancel pouring alcohol down Robert’s throat on purpose has some merit.

Queen Margaery interrupts Ser Loras’ sex-scapades/Martell history lesson (love what you did there, GOT) with a call for dinner.  Margaery has no shame and plops right down on the bed.  After Loras’ handsome lover leaves, she questions Loras.  Shouldn’t he be more discreet since he is set to marry Cersei?  Loras feels otherwise.  Now that Tywin Lannister is dead, he doesn’t think there is anyone living that can force Cersei into marrying him.  Unfortunately, for Margaery that means her mother-in-law will be stuck living in King’s Landing.  “Perhaps,” Margaery says coolly.  “Perhaps.”

House Stark and House Baratheon

We catch up with the Stark family first with Jon Snow. He’s training Olly to be a Man of the Night’s Watch. It feels a lot like Arya’s training in season one. Samwell Tarly and Gilly watch, “shouldn’t you be training too?” He replies, “How many men can say they’ve killed a White Walker and a Thenn.” Oh Sam, let’s not get too over-confident now. Ser Allister grimaces as he passes Gilly. We learn that a Lord Commander has not been chosen yet but Ser Allister is in the running. Gilly is worried that if he’s chosen she will be packing her bags. Sam replies, “Wherever you go, I go too.” Say it with me now, awwwwww.

Out of nowhere, Melisandre shows up. Jon Snow sees what we all see; she’s creepy as hell. He’s being summoned. On the way to see Stannis, Melisandre stares at him with her best bedroom eyes. “You’re not cold milady,” he asks. “Never, the Lord’s fire lives within me Jon Snow,” she says as she takes his hand and places it on her cheek. She the asks, “Are you a virgin?” “No.” “Good.” Now I’m the one grimacing.

Jon Snow and Stannis discuss Roose Bolton’s rule of Winterfell. Stannis asks if Jon Snow wants revenge for Robb’s death. “I want many a thing but I’m a sworn man of the Night’s Watch.” Changing the topic, Stannis and Davos ask about Ygritte. Why was Jon Snow seen taking her body north of the Wall? “It was where she belonged.” Davos brings up that some of the Night’s Watch think that Jon Snow has too much affection for the Wildlings. Stannis reveals that he wants to mount Roose Bolton’s head on a stake. Now that Tywin is dead there is nothing stopping him from taking over the North. He wants Jon Snow to help him wrangle the Wildlings to serve as his army. The best way to do that is to get Mance Raydar to swear his allegiance to Stannis. It’s up to Jon Snow to convince Mance or he will burn.

Later, Jon Snow visits Mance Raydar. They reflect on the irony of the situation. Jon Snow was once his prisoner, insert hearty laugh here. Mance already knows what Stannis is after, “I’ll give him this much, he’s bold.” Mance has no intention of even kneeling and he doesn’t want his people bleeding for Stannis Baratheon’s war. Jon Snow encourages him to reconsider by reminding him of how strong of a leader he is; after all he united ninety clans for one cause and he did it to save them. Isn’t their survival more important than his pride? Short answer, no. Mance Raydar believes that the Wildlings followed him because they respected him. The moment he kneels, that respect is gone.

It’s then that Jon Snow tells him that they plan to burn him alive. Mance Raydar doesn’t want to be remembered yelling from a stake but he’d rather burn then kneel. He will never enlist his people in a foreigner’s war. When Jon Snow says he’s making a mistake, he replies “freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted”

That night, he is marched from his cell. Stannis gives him the opportunity to kneel. He replies, “This was my home for many years. I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.” With a nod from Stannis, Mance Raydar is to be burned. As everyone watches Melisandre steps forward, “We all must choose. Man or woman, young or old, lord or peasant, our choices are the same. We choose light or we choose darkness, we choose good or we choose evil. We choose the true god or the false. Free folk, there is only one true king and his name is Stannis. Here stands your king of lies. Behold the fate of those who chose the darkness.” She lights him up. It definitely seemed like Mance is having second thoughts about his defiance. Jon Snow looks disgusted. Yep, Mance is definitely having second thoughts. I start yelling at my television, CUT HIM DOWN! Jon Snow storms off. Mance starts crying. Gilly hides her face. Stannis’s wife is really into it. Tormund Giantsbane is getting angry. All of a sudden, an arrow! Jon Snow shoots Mance with an arrow to put him out of his misery. Thank god.

With that, the show ends. I think it’s safe to say that yes, Jon Snow does have too much affection for the Wildlings.

We briefly catch up with Sansa. She’s with Littlefinger. They are dropping Robin off with Lord Royce for safekeeping. While they watch a pitiful Robin try to sword fight (a big contrast from Olly and Arya, he is actually whimpering) Littlefinger gets a secret note. With that, it’s time to go.

Brienne and Podrick are licking their wounds and planning their next steps. Podrick mentions going to Castle Black but Brienne is not having it. She’s feeling a bit discouraged and doesn’t know what she’s fighting for anymore. She’d like to dump Podrick right about now. Since she’s not a proper knight, she shouldn’t have a squire. Podrick reminds her of her promise; she has to find the Stark girls. Arya might not have been interested but there’s always Sansa. She replies, “I don’t want anyone following me, I’m not a leader. All I ever wanted was to fight for a lord I believed in. The good lords are dead and the rest are monsters.” Is this more foreshadowing for #TeamDany?

Well, lo and behold, there’s Sansa. Riding right by Brienne. Oh, Game of Thrones you can be so frustrating. In the carriage, Littlefinger and Sansa discuss whom they can and can’t trust. Dark Sansa is learning from the master. We learn that Littlefinger is taking her somewhere that Cersei will never find her.

Looks like next week we will get to visit Arya at the House of Black and White.

House Martell

No mention of House Martell yet but it looks like we will get to meet the new family next week. There was a quick mention of Dorne, in comparison to Loras Tyrell’s birthmark. What we know of its geography, there’s a Sunspear bit, mountains, and a place called Sandstone.

Rock Paper Watch’s Top Quote of 5×1:

Jenn’s Pick – “Can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?”  – Tyrion Lannister in response to meeting Dany.

Elizabeth’s Pick – “They were born on the wrong side of the wall. It doesn’t make them monsters.” – Jon Snow about the Wildlings

Game of Thrones Recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera (Lannister and Targaryen) and Elizabeth Bond (Stark/Baratheon and Martell).  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.

 

Everything You Need to Know for Game of Thrones Season 5

Meet the Sand Snakes, the bastard daughters of Oberyn and Ellaria.

1. New House & New Location

We met our first member of House Martell, Prince Oberyn, last season.  (Who can forget his sultry voice, his disdain for Lannisters’, and his way with candles?)  Sadly, the Mountain crushed our handsome prince (pun definitely intended) during a battle by combat that resulted in the infamous Oberyn Headsplosion.  For those of you that didn’t read the books, House Martell is the head family in the Kingdom of Dorne ruling out of the castle of Sunspear.  Dorne, the southernmost point of the Seven Kingdoms, has been mentioned in Game of Thrones before.  You may recall that when Tyrion was serving as Hand of the King, he orchestrated a plot to have Marcella Baratheon (Lannister) sent away from King’s Landing.  The little lion princess is currently trapped living in Dorne.

Dorne is different from the rest of the kingdoms of Westeros in that it was never truly conquered by the Targaryen’s.  Dorne swore fielty to the Iron Throne by choice centuries after Aegon’s invasion.  Like their ancestors that came before House Martell, Dornish noble Houses follow gender-blind equal primogeniture, in which the eldest child is the heir regardless of whether they are male or female.  The words of the Martells are “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” and bastard children assume the name of “Sand.”  The Martells are deeply resentful of the Lannister family and blame Tywin for the death of Elia Martell, wife of Prince Rhaegar Targeryen, and her children.

This season, we will meet even more members of House Martell.  Oberyn’s paramour, Ellaria Sand, will be returning to report the dreadful news of Oberyn’s death to the reigning Prince of Dorne and Oberyn’s older brother, Prince Doran Martell.  We will also be meeting the Sand Snakes, the bastard daughters of Oberyn and Ellaria.  The Sand Snakes are skilled fighters trained by their father and will most certainly be seeking revenge against the Lannisters.

Rumor has it that Jaime Lannister will be departing King’s Landing and riding south to broker peace in Dorne.  Bookreaders know this is a change in Jaime’s story and I’m interested to see how they fit this into Jaime’s character progression.  Perhaps the Kingslayer will arrive just in time to save Princess Marcella from the deadly grasp of the Sand Snakes?

Sand Snakes using scorpion torture. NBD

2. No Bran, No Hodor.

‘Nough said.  This season will not include Bran Stark or his gentle giant companion, Hodor, as the TV series has caught up to his storyline.  Who will be around to “Hodor” for us?!

3. Who Crossed the Narrow Sea?

When we left, Arya had set her sights on Braavos. For those of you in need of a refresh, remember Jaqen H’ghar? Jaqen helped Arya, Hot Pie, and Gendry escape Harrenhal in season two and then he changed into another person like whoosh. That’s because he was a member of the Faceless Men, a trained group of assassins. Arya used the coin given to her by Jaqen to gain passage to cross the Narrow Sea. Is Arya on her way to become an assassin?  Will she soon be just as deadly as Jaqen?

The last we saw of Tyrion, he was being packed into a box by Varys and boarding a ship set sail for freedom. This was all after he killed Tywin on the toilet and strangled Shae with her own necklace. Can we all just have a slow clap for Tyrion?

But, where is he going? Judging by this season 5 poster, we can make one guess:

Also, in recent clips we’ve heard this exchange between Varys and Tyrion:

V: The Seven Kingdoms needs a ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name.
T: Good luck finding him.
V: Who said anything about ‘him’?”

4. The Wall is Getting Crowded

The Brothers of the Night’s Watch are no longer alone.

At the end of last season, we saw the arrival of Stannis Baratheon at The Wall where he saved Jon Snow from certain imprisonment and possible death at the hands of Mance Rayder. The goal here for Stannis is to protect all of Westeros from the White Walkers and prove himself the One True King.

The Night’s Watch also needs a new leader (RIP Lord Commander Mormont).  Who will be chosen to take the lead?  Will Stannis insert himself, or will he allow a new Brother to rise to the top?

Bonus, rumor has it Melisandre will set her eyes on Jon Snow. Man, this guy’s got a thing for redheads, I VOLUNTEER!

5. And everyone else?

Dark Sansa

Sansa has officially made a deal with the devil, as in Littlefinger. (Reminder: Littlefinger revealed at the end of season four that HE was the one who killed Jon Arryn, which instigated King Robert riding North and setting Game of Thrones in motion).  Now that she’s dyed her hair and decided to join the “game,” what’s next for these two? I don’t know but I bet it’ll be a little creepy.

Third time’s a charm?

Poor Margaery is set to marry a king, again. Will sweet, innocent Tommen survive the wedding? Only time will tell.

It’s a man’s man’s man’s world

…but all her men are gone! What will Cersei do without Tywin, Tyrion, or Jaime to manipulate and whine to, or about?  Will there be anyone to protect her when it’s time for her to pay for her many, many crimes?

This is a real mystery

We already know that Brienne of Tarth’s storyline is deviating pretty dramatically from the books. After taking down The Hound but losing Arya, what’s next for her and Podrick? Will she stay on her mission to find the Stark girls?

Oh, Reek

Things are still pretty bad for Theon/Reek. Our favorite Ironborn has spent the last two seasons as the tortured servant of Ramsay Bolton. Will he ever escape? Sometimes I watch season one of Game of Thrones just to remind myself of cocky, self-absorbed Theon. Gah, so attractive. Just me? Okay.

Trouble in Paradise

At the conclusion of the season, Daenerys finally learned the truth about Jorah Mormont’s original reason for seeking her out and “protecting” her.  (He was a spy for King Robert working to regain his freedom in Westeros.)  Dany banished Jorah from her encampment and sent him to the #FriendZone4Life.

Breaker of Chains Used Chains

After Dany learned that the dragons committed the horrific crime of killing a child, she was forced to put them in chains and lock them away. Something tells me this is not going to end well considering Drogon is MIA.

Budding Romance?

When we last saw Greyworm and Missandei she was teaching him the Common Tongue. As their lessons progressed, they bonded over the loss of their homelands. While swimming, Greyworm noticed Missandei bathing naked. When she notices him watching, she stands up slowly to let him get an eye full before covering herself. Later, he apologizes but she says she wasn’t uncomfortable. Is this the Westeros version of flirting?

And lastly…

Where in the Seven Kingdoms is Gendry?!

6. In Memorandum

To the characters that didn’t survive season four, we remember you fondly (or not so much).

Tywin Lannister
Joffrey Lannister
Shae
The Hound (maybe, maybe not? I don’t believe it until I see him dead.)
Lysa Arryn
Oberyn Martell
Jojen Reed
Grenn and Pyp
Ygritte
Lord Commander Jeor Mormont

Game of Thrones recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera and Elizabeth Bond.  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.

Game of Thrones 4×9 Recap – The Watchers on the Wall

Does anyone else feel like this episode came out of nowhere? Maybe if we had checked in with Mance Rayder more frequently the stakes would have felt a bit higher going into the episode. I guess what I’m getting at is that I wasn’t very excited for this episode. It didn’t feel necessary yet and I was still emotionally distraught over last week. But I think that was the whole point. The battle at Castle Black gave us a much needed hour-long break from all the drama at King’s Landing. It was an action-packed episode with beautiful, cinema-worthy visuals. Let’s dive in.

The episode starts with Jon Snow and Samwell Tarly enjoying a little bro time. Sam asks Jon what it’s like to have someone. He recognizes that they’re all probably going to die when the Wildlings attack and hearing it from Jon Snow may be the closest he ever gets to knowing. Snow is a little surprised that Sam would consider breaking his vows. Sam points out that the vows don’t say anything about the actual deed, just marriage and babies. Oh, Sam and his clever loopholes.

Jon Snow then fumbly delivers the best description of the birds and bees there has ever been, “It’s… there’s this person, this whole other person and you’re wrapped up in them and they’re wrapped up in you and for a little while you’re more than just you .You’re…I don’t know I’m not a bleeding poet.” Could have fooled me.

Meanwhile, the Wildlings are hanging nearby waiting for the signal. Tormund Giantsbane is talking about how he almost had sex with a bear once. I don’t really understand this whole conversation but what’s with all the sex talk?! Ygritte is over it. She’s ready to hunt some crows. This Wildling bros start to tease her about how they don’t think she can kill Jon Snow. In typical Ygritte “BAMF” fashion, she calls dibs. Jon Snow is her’s to kill.

More bro talk, Sam and Maester Aemon bond over their lost loves back at Castle Black. Maester Aemon reminds us that “love is the death of duty.”

Gilly and Sam reunite. She’s retreated from Molestown to Castle Black. Sam tells her, “wherever you go, I go too.” Their reunion is cut short though when the horn at Castle Black begins to sound. Sam hides Gilly away in the kitchen. She’s upset he’s leaving her, I mean he did just promise “wherever you go, I go too.” She’s worried that he’ll die in the battle, but Sam is a man of his word and he has to do his duty as a man of the Night’s Watch. Then HE KISSES HER! This battle is pretty much the best thing to ever happen to Sam.

Jon looks over the north side of the Wall and sees a massive fire burning; Lance Rayder’s signal. The Wildlings see it too. It’s time. The Night’s Watch frantically completes their preparation for battle.

Jon Snow approaches Ser Alliser Thorne amidst the chaos. “We should have sealed the tunnels while we had the chance, like you suggested,” Ser Alliser says. Then he explains, “You know what leadership means, Lord Snow? It means that the person in charge gets second guessed by every clever little twat with a mouth. What if he starts second guessing himself? That’s the end. For him. For the clever little twats. For everyone. This is not the end. Not for us.”

Sam finds Pyp and they try to settle in a safe-ish place. Sam calmly prepares their area, he seems ready to fight. Pyp is terrified and asks Sam how he can be so calm. He says he’s not and then explains that when he had to kill the Whitewalker he became nothing at all. “When you’re nothing at all there’s no more reason to be afraid,” he continues. He’s afraid now because “well, i’m not nothing anymore.” Aw, Samwell Tarly. God, please don’t die.

Ygritte scopes out Castle Black and explains that most of the men are at the top of the Wall, there is barely anyone below defending the gate. Here we go.

Mance’s army of Wildlings, wooly mammoths, and giants begin marching towards the Wall. When people ask why we didn’t get more dragons this season, blame the mammoths and the giants.

Ser Alliser orders the archers to nock and hold. Grenn accidently knocks an oil barrel off the Wall and the men of Night’s Watch carelessly draw their arrows. It’s the equivalent of watching Matt Saracen beam his teammate in the back of the head with a football during the Friday Night Lights pilot. This is not going to be good.

As arrows begin to fly, the Wildlings stand far enough away as if to tease the Night’s Watch. Ser Alliser is notified that they’re being attacked by both sides. Alliser leaves Janos Slynt in charge of the Wall so he can go down and fight. This means that Ygritte has arrived and boy, she is kicking ass.

But she’s not the only one, Ser Alliser Thorne shows us why he’s master-at-arms. He rouses the men and is fearless in battle. Ser Alliser has Tormund Giantsbane in his sights. They fight and I mean they really fight. Giantsbane cuts open Alliser’s stomach and Alliser is carried away to be treated, still screaming “HOLD THE F**KING GATE!”

Texts from RPW “Why is it everything I want to happen on this show never happens? I just wanted the dude from Castle Black to kill the red headed guy but instead he got sliced open.”

Chaos unfolds on the grounds of Castle Black. The fighting and brutality is everywhere. The Wildlings break into the dining area and some badass with a cleaver kills them off. Ygritte positions herself up high and takes out the men one by one. I really liked the lack of soundtrack during this scene, all we could just hear was Ygritte’s steady breathing. It made the whole scenario more dramatic.

Meanwhile, back at the Wall the mammoths and the giants start to make their way towards the gate. Janos Slynt is having a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, Grenn tricks him into thinking that Alliser needs him down below, leaving Jon Snow in charge.

Jon Snow takes the reigns. Snow proves himself to be a natural leader as he tells the men on the Wall to nock and hold, draw, and lose their arrows. I swear anytime someone yelled “LOOOOSEEE!” in this episode I got goosebumps.

Down below, the Wildlings start climbing the Wall. “They won’t summit before dawn,” Jon Snow tells them men. “How do you know that?” “Because I’ve made that climb.” “I think they’re in a bigger hurry than you were,” replies Edd. This may be far fetched but could Edd be a distant cousin of Bronn? Like, really think about it.

Janos Slynt decides to hide, what a wuss. He stumbles upon Gilly who knows exactly what he’s doing.

Pyp and Sam continue to fire on the Wildlings using a crossbow. As Pyp stands to shoot, he’s shot in the neck by Ygritte. It’s a gruesome, bloody way to go. Sam stays by his side to comfort him. Then Sam picks up the crossbow and springs to action. He shoots a Warg that is charging towards him like it’s no big deal. Sam gets Olly to send him up the Wall to get Jon Snow. They need more men fighting down below. On his way up, Sam yells “Find a weapon, Olly. Fight them!”

The giants and the wooly mammoth are now attempting to pull down the large gate at the base of the Wall. Jon Snow sends Grenn with five men to hold the gate while Edd and Jon Snow continue dislodging the oil barrels. They are able to scare away the wooly mammoth. As he runs after the animal, they shoot down one of the giants. Out of frustration and anger, the other giant lifts the gate by himself.

Sam tells Jon Snow the Castle won’t stand much longer without more men down below. Snow knows what he has to do “Edd, you have the Wall. If they try the mammoths again drop fire on them. If the climbers get too high drop the scythe on them.” Ooooh, what’s the scythe?

Edd, hands down, had the best delivery of “LOOOOOOOSE”

Grenn and co. get to the tunnel just in time to see the giant come under the gate. Gah, I love Grenn. Everyone is starting to panic and he stands firm, “we hold the gate.” Grenn leads his brothers in the Night’s Watch oath as the giant charges towards them.

As they arrive to the ground, Jon hands Sam a key “I need him more than I need you.” Jon Snow bounds out of the lift and starts kicking ass.

Texts from RPW “For the record, so many dirty things I’d do to Kit Harington”

THE SHOT, THE CONTINUOUS SHOT. OMGGGGGG! You saw it, right? There is a sweeping shot of the Castle Black grounds that shows the fighting and the chaos happening in every corner. It’s amazing. According to director Neil Marshall, the Game of Thrones cast rehearsed it for about an hour and got it in seven takes.

The shot ends with Sam unlocking Ghost’s room and saying, “we need you boy.” Ghost immediately springs into action and starts taking down Wildlings one by one. It should be noted that my own little direwolf (just kidding, he’s a rat terrier), Dexter, woke up from his seventeenth nap just in time to see Ghost do his thing. He just looked at me like he he suddenly realized that he would never be that cool. It’s okay Dex, no dog will.

Jon Snow starts fighting with Styr, the lead Thenn. It’s one of those fight scenes that has your stomach in knots.  After taking some serious hits, Jon is able to brutally kill him with a hammer. While this is happening, Ygritte sees Jon Snow and it is on.

As he stumbles away, there is Ygritte. She has her bow and arrow drawn, she’s ready to kill Jon Snow. But she hesitates, “love is the death of duty” afterall. Jon Snow smiles because of course she can’t kill him, she loves him. Then Olly shoots an arrow through her heart. It all comes full circle. She killed his father. He kills her. Ygritte dies in Snow’s arms saying, “Do you remember the cave? We should have stayed in the cave.” He assures her, “We’ll go back there.” Her last words are, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” As she dies, it is beautiful. He is cradling her amidst all the madness. The Game of Thrones team uses slow motion to really paint the heartbreaking picture, it’s the second time they’ve ever used it. The first was when Tywin Lannister showed up at the Battle of Blackwater.

Back on the Wall, the Wildlings are still climbing. Edd finally commands “DROP THE SCYTHE BOYS!”  Then what appears to be a huge anchor comes out of the Wall and sweeps the Wildlings away. Damn, that was cool.

“They’ve had enough for one night,” declares Edd. Victory! But not quite, the Night’s Watch knows they are still outnumbered. It’s just a matter of time before the Wildlings strike again.

Speaking of Wildlings, who’s left standing? Tormund Giantsbane, of course. Jon Snow shoots him with one last arrow for good measure before he’s carried away as a prisoner. “I should have thrown you from the top of the Wall, boy,” yells Giantsbane. “Aye, you should have,” replies Jon Snow.

Sam comes back for Gilly. He also finds Slynt. Shame, shame, shame.

Sam and Jon discuss the victory and the inevitable return of the Wildling army. The Night’s Watch could probably hold them off for a day or two but will never beat them. Jon decides he’s going to go north of the Wall to kill Mance. Without Mance Rayder the Wildling army will disperse.

Sam is worried about Jon. That they are going to torture him, but they both know there’s no other option. As they walk through the tunnel, they find that Grenn and his men died killing the giant. Jon tells Sam to have their bodies burned. Jon gives his sword, Longclaw, to Sam before departing the tunnel. They have a sweet little moment in the tunnel, this really is the best bromance ever.

Next week is the season four finale and judging by the preview we will be checking in with Bran and Arya. We will also catch up with the Lannisters and Jon Snow will find Mance Rayder. What will happen? And look, dragons!

Top 7 OMG Did That Just Happen?! Moments from GOT 4×8

Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones, “The Mountain and the Viper,” could have easily been the penultimate episode of the season.  But alas, we were treated to a jaw-dropping eighth episode that had more ‘OHMYGOD’ moments than I could count.  In honor of the Seven Kingdoms and the Seven New Gods, here are my top seven favorite ‘DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!’ moments from Sunday’s action-packed episode.

7. Reek becomes Theon Greyjoy (again) and helps Ramsay Snow become Ramsay Bolton.

Everyone’s least favorite character, Ramsay Snow, finally got what he wanted and became Ramsay Bolton, thanks to his pet dog human, Reek.  Reek pretended to be his former self, Theon Greyjoy, and coaxed the Iron Islanders holding Moat Cailin into opening up their doors to earn “freedom” from the Northerners.  Instead, much to our dismay, they were flayed and killed by the Boltons and the creepy duo of Ramsay and Reek just became much more powerful (and much more disturbing).  Pleased with his bastard, Roose Bolton granted Ramsay his biggest wish and gave him the family last name and all that comes with it.

6. Ygritte shows mercy for Gilly and Baby Sam.

I don’t know about you, but Ygritte is the worst scorned woman I’ve ever seen.  She’s taken to killing innocent men, women, and children of the North to get back at her former lover, Jon Snow.   So when she came face to face with Gilly, and showed her mercy, I literally cried and clapped at the same time.  I knew that the Ygritte that Jon (and the audience) fell in love with in Season 3 was still in there somewhere.  Now I wonder, will Ygritte show Jon the same mercy if she comes face to face with him in the Battle of Castle Black?  Tune in next week to find out.

5. Arya finds out everyone in her family is dead and laughs it off, hysterically.

When Arya and The Hound learned that Lysa Arryn had died just three days before their arrival, and The Hound was stripped of yet another bounty, what else was Arya to do but laugh?  It almost felt like she was laughing at the viewers for thinking a Stark reunion was going to happen.  Haven’t we learned by now that the Starks will never run into each other no matter how close they get?

4. Sansa becomes Dark Sansa & lies and dyes for Petyr Baelish.

When Petyr was questioned about the mysterious “suicide” of Lysa Arryn, Sansa was called in to witness.  As she stood giving her testimony, Petyr watched on silently and in awe.  Here stood this young, naïve girl, whom he once told was a terrible liar, spinning a brilliant and intricate web of truth and lies.  Sansa painted a picture of Petyr as a saint who was motivated by his burning desire to rescue Sansa.  Later, in an attempt to cover her famous Tully-red hair, Sansa steps out as Dark Sansa, with dyed dark locks to help her look more like her “uncle” Petyr.  The weird thing?  She almost appears to be flirting with Baelish.  It is clear that Sansa doesn’t know the extent of Petyr’s hand in the destruction of her family, but she knows he is dangerous.  Has she fallen under his twisted spell or is Sansa playing a long con?

3. Tywin sentences Tyrion to death.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for – the verdict from the Trial by Combat.  As you’ll find out in our top moment, Tyrion Lannister lost the trial in the most head-splitting way.  In the final moments of the episode, Tywin Lannister, Hand of the King and father of Tyrion, stands and sentences his son to death.  Dun dun dunnnn.

2. Dany permanently dismisses Jorah Mormont.

Tywin was a part of more than one verdict this week.  In a twist from the book storyline, Tywin Lannister sent Daenerys’ Queen’s Guard, Barristan Selmy, a letter, which was a copy of the Royal Pardon that was granted to Jorah Mormont in Season 1. (Remember, Jorah was leaking confidential secrets to Robert and his Council and assisted with an assassination attempt on Dany’s life). Despite his deep admiration and love for Dany, and his change of loyalty (he ultimately prevented the assassination), the Mother of Dragons showed no mercy and exiled Jorah from her Council and from Meereen.  Poor Jorah. The old bear looked heartbroken as he rode on horse-back out of the city.  While I normally stand 100% behind the Breaker of Chains, I had trouble supporting this decision because of the way the TV show played it out.  It comes off like Dany is another puppet being manipulated at the hands of  Tywin Lannister.  Is this the beginning of her downfall?

1. Oberyn’s Headsplosion.

Thank you to Game of Thrones for creating yet another scene that I couldn’t bear to watch – the epic trial by combat between the Mountain and the Red Viper of Dorne, Oberyn Martell.  (Who knew anything could be worse than the Red Wedding?)

Oberyn, who was fighting as Tyrion’s champion to gain revenge for his sister, bopped around like Inigo Montoya waving a spear.  The Rep Viper repeated over and over again, “Elia Martell of Dorne.  You raped her, you murdered her.  You killed her children,” as he fought and stabbed the Mountain.  Oberyn was quick with his spear and took down the Mountain with apparent ease.  But he was too cocky and too confident and wouldn’t kill Gregor Clegane until he got his confession.  Before Oberyn could realize what was happening, Clegane punched Oberyn’s teeth out of his face.  The Mountain then climbed on top of The Viper, held his head in between his gigantic hands, and squashed it like one of the beetles Tyrion’s cousin squashed, all while confessing to his heinous crimes.  The worst part of this entire scene was knowing Oberyn was warned to wear a helmet and his Paramour stood completely helpless as she watched the worst moment of Game of Thrones – Oberyn’s Headsplosion.

And this perfectly sums up how we all feel. 

Game of Thrones 4×4 Recap – Oathkeeper

House Targaryen

We open with our favorite translator, Missandei, tutoring Grey Worm in the Common Tongue (GOT version of English).  We learn that Grey Worm comes from the Summer Isles but doesn’t remember that life.  “Unsullied.  Always Unsullied.  Before Unsullied, nothing,” he says.  Missandei can relate – she was taken as a 5-year-old child.  It’s no wonder these two, along with the hundreds of thousands of freed slaves, love and worship Dany.  She’s their liberator and the first person that has been nice to them and treated them with an ounce of respect in decades.  Their loyalty is unyielding, unlike the armies of Westeros, who appear to be loyal to gold and that’s about it.

Dany enters and with two words (“It’s time”) her plan to sack Meereen is set in motion.  Grey Worm and a small group of Unsullied, disguised as slaves, infiltrate the castle from a secret gate near the water.  They climb through the tunnels of the city at night while the Masters are resting and head to the slave headquarters.  The slaves are already meeting, discussing Dany and her horde and what it could potentially mean for them, but they are afraid to rise against the Masters.  There have been many unsuccessful slave rebellions and they have no weapons to fight.  Even chains are better than death.

Cue Grey Worm and Co.

“Valar morghulis,” Grey Worm says.  He tells the slaves of his enslavement, his life as Unsullied, and finally, his freedom thanks to Dany.  “Now I fight for Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains.”  He then surprises the slaves with bags of weapons and continues, “No on can give you your freedom, brothers.  If you want it, you must take it.”  You go, Grey Worm.  I’d fight with you.

We cut to a Master and two soldiers stumbling upon “Kill the Masters” scrawled in blood on a wall.  In the sky, they spot something black and red – a flag with a red dragon – hanging over their statue and then armed slaves surround and trap them.  We cut again to Dany walking in a shower of broken slave chains with hundreds of thousands of newly freed slaves lining the roads shouting “Meesa, Meesa!” and raising their arms toward her. (Sound familiar?)  Beneath Dany, the Unsullied surround the Masters of the city.  Dany asks Ser Jorah how many children were nailed to mile posts.  One hundred and sixty three.  Dany signals.  Barristan asks for a word and warns her that it is best to answer injustice with mercy.  “I will answer injustice with justice,” proclaims Dany and then stares Barristan down.  Stop questioning her, Barristan.  She’ll breathe fire on you eventually.

Dany has the masters crucified in the same fashion as the slave children and stands watch over the city, underneath the dragon flag hoisted on the top monument, and listens to the moans and screams of the Masters.

House Stark

Sansa – As we saw last week, Sansa was “rescued” (I use rescued lightly) by Littlefinger. He informs Sansa that they’re en route to her crazy Aunt Lysa Tully’s castle. You may remember crazy Aunt Lysa from Season 1. She’s most memorable for breastfeeding her child, NOT infant, but child and setting the stage for the lovable bromance between Tyrion and Bronn. I’d also like to point out this is the same place Arya is going (fingers crossed!).

Now, it’s time for some answers. Littlefinger admits he killed Joffrey, “A man with no motive is a man no one suspects,” eck. “If they don’t know who you are or what you want, they can’t know what you plan to do next,” he says while looking seductively at Sansa. You can see Sansa taking a scared gulp before asking what he does want. Littlefinger responds, “Everything,” while creepily running his hands down her arms while I physically shudder.

Can we pause for a second? We all know that Littlefinger was a bit obsessed with Catelyn. And Littlefinger has always treated Sansa like the next best thing. And Littlefinger is a spiteful bitch. Remember last season when Sansa chose her potential nuptials to Loras over escaping King’s Landing with Littlefinger? Something tells me that Sansa is NOT safe right now. End pause.

But there is no way Littlefinger acted alone. He tells Sansa that he has a new, top-secret, powerful alliance. Ser Dontos was too easily swayed and not smart enough to pull this off. Who killed Joffrey Baratheon?! As we find out in the next scene it was the very powerful House Tyrell. More on that later.

Jon Snow – Seriously Castle Black, you NEED to prepare for the Wildings. And hey, one of your men has been with them for the past couple of “months” (I don’t know time is weird in Westeros). Why don’t you use his insider knowledge to prepare? Yea. No? Okay.
Jon Snow is training the men on how to fight Wildlings. Ser Alliser Thorne interrupts him because his rank doesn’t allow him that kind of superiority. Janos Slynt suggests sending Jon on the mission to Craster’s Keep to get rid of Jon Snow. That’s smart, let’s get rid of our biggest asset against the Wildlings before they attack (rolls eyes).
So Jon is off to Craster’s but only if he can gather enough volunteers to take down the Night’s Watch rebels that have taken over the Keep. He delivers a big speech and slowly, one by one, the volunteers stand up.

Wait a second, who’s that guy hanging around Castle Black? It’s Locke, the guy that chopped off Jaime’s hand. After episode two, we can also think of him as Ramsey Snow’s sadistic BFF. You may remember, Locke was asked by Roose Bolton to travel north and find Bran and Rickon. Speaking of…

Bran – Meanwhile, at Craster’s Keep it is a shit show (pardon my French, but really). We catch up with Karl Tanner (portrayed by Burn Gorman, I bring this up because the guy’s real name is SO MUCH cooler than his GOT name and that NEVER happens), as he’s drinking wine from a HUMAN SKULL and wallowing in his surroundings, which include rape and brutality. The wives and daughters of Craster have gone from being abused by one horrible man to several, awful, no good men.

Karl is rambling on and on about his glory days as a hired killer in King’s Landing. I honestly can’t pay attention to any of this because the surroundings are too disturbing.

And if this couldn’t get any worst, they have Jon Snow’s direwolf, Ghost, outside in a cage.

Bran, Hodor, and the Reeds make their way to Craster’s Keep, only to be quickly captured by the mutineers.

(side note – I ran a Tough Mudder two weeks ago. There is an obstacle called the Warrior Carry where you have to carry another participate. The guy next to me who was doing the carrying kept saying ‘Hodor! Hodor!’ – end note)

Karl torments his new prisoners and threatens to rape Meera. It’s then that Brad finally declares, “I’m Brandon Stark of Winterfell!” I’m not going to lie when he did this I was sitting on my couch going “YES! YES, YOU ARE BRAN!” It’s been a while since we’ve heard pride in declaring the name Stark. Shortly after Jojen starts seizing, no idea why. Stay tuned.

We have Jon Snow on his way to Bran. Will he get there in time? We have Arya and Sansa also potentially going to the same place. ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A STARK REUNION? For the love of god, please give us a Stark reunion. I can’t handle anymore Stark deaths. Don’t tease us like this!

White Walkers – Also at Craster’s keep, a baby boy is born and at the urging of the wives/daughters a mutineer leaves the baby outside in the snow for the “gods.” It’s not long before a White Walker comes along and picks the baby up. Is this what Jon witnessed in Season 1?

The White Walker carries the no longer crying baby to the White Walker circle of doom and lays it down as if an offering. The White Walker “king” makes his way to the child. The whole time I’m clinching my blanket hoping I’m not about to witness the king eat the poor sweet baby. He picks up the baby and with one touch of his finger he turns the child into a White Walker. So wait, is that where White Walker’s come from? They’re transitioned by the king when touched? So wait, are there a lot of infant White Walkers crawling around? Do they grow at superhuman speed? I have so many questions.

Okay, so now I want to talk about the White Walkers for a second. I pretty much hate them, and not because they’re ominous villains, just because they exist. First of all, I’ve never been able to jump on the zombie train. When we got to the big reveal at the end of season two my reaction was, “ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? ZOMBIES? REALLY?!” Secondly, I just don’t understand where they fit in the story and I don’t really care to know. I’m too involved in everyone else and their storylines to care about White Walkers. And it pisses me off to think about those compelling stories will eventually have to stop so the focus can be on the White Walkers. And then I find it even more annoying that eventually each of these characters might have to unite to fight a common threat. I love the conflict as it is. Can we just not? Can winter just not come? Ugh.

House Lannister

Jaime Lannister trains with Bronn, who is clearly enjoying kicking the Kingslayer’s ass.  He even slaps Jaime across the face with Jamie’s own golden hand.  After last week, Jaime deserved that, just saying.

After Bronn informs Jaime that he disrespects Tyrion with the same crude tone he uses with him, the pair discuss Tyrion’s implication in Joffrey’s death. Neither think Tyrion is guilty and Bronn finally calls Jaime out on failing to visit his brother. Bronn reminds Jaime that Tyrion called for him to stand in his trial by combat at the Eyrie; Tyrion is Jaime’s brother and he loves and adores him.  How dare Jaime turn his back on him in his time of need.  Jaime appears to leave like he doesnt care what Bronn has to say but…

He immediately goes to visit Tyrion Lannister in his jail cell.  The two brothers compare their different prison circumstances and Tyrion calls Jaime out for being Cersei’s bitch.  They discuss the dreaded trial and the fact that most people think Tyrion really did kill Joffrey.  Tyrion knows Cersei doesn’t care about the outcome of the trial and will kill him no matter what.  Tyrion asks if Jaime will do it himself. Jaime rebuttles by asking if Tyrion has joined him as a Kingslayer.  “Are you really asking if I killed your son?” Thank you, Tyrion, for addressing the elephant in the room and acknowledging that Joffrey was Jaime’s son, too.

Jaime offers to help Tyrion but the only thing Tyrion wants is freedom.  Jaime can’t give him that.  It’s treason to help a Kingslayer.  Jaime then clues Tyrion in to Cersei’s threat on Sansa’s life but Tyrion assures Jaime it couldn’t have been her.  “Sansa’s not a killer.  Not yet, anyway.”

We catch up with Olenna and Margaery Tyrell during what appears to be their last stroll through the gardens because Olenna reveals she is leaving King’s Landing.  The Tyrells have proposed a match between Tommen and Margaery but the Lannisters haven’t answered yet.  Olenna tells Margaery to be patient and then tells her a story about her first love. He was originally supposed to marry Olenna’s sister but he fell victim to Olenna’s seduction since she was apparently very, very good.  But Olenna claims Margaery is even better and needs to move in on Tommen fast before Cersei turns him against her.  Luckily, Cersei is distracted and wrongfully accusing Tyiron of murder.  Margaery wonders how she knows Tyrion is innocent.  “You don’t think I’d let you marry that beast, do you?” Olenna responds.  Margaery is confused but Olenna tells her not to worry while she FIDDLES WITH HER NECKLACE. (ASIDE: Did Olenna seriously just admit to murdering the King?! END OF ASIDE)

Jaime visits his sister-lover Cersei on official business as Lord Commander of the Night’s Guard. Cersei questions the number of guards stationed outfront of Tommen’s room and also is curious about why Catelyn would set him free.  Was he telling the truth when he made the sacred vow to the enemy? Of course not.  Jaime claims he was lying and saying whatever he needed to get back to Cersei. Not convinced, Cersei wonders what would happen if she told Jaime to leave the capital, go find Sansa and bring Cersei her head?  She also wonders why Jaime would visit the creature that murdered their son.  Cersei mocks Jaime for pitying Tyrion and then orders him to increase the number of guards for Tommen.  She dismisses the Lord Commander as she drowns herself in wine and misery.

Tommen stirs and looks frightened when he hears a noise in the dark. Don’t worry King Tommen, it’s just Margaery popping in for a (secret) midnight visit.  She emerges from the dark and Tommen wonders why he’s there since mother doesn’t allow evening visits. Margaery assures him it’s okay since she’s going to be his new bride.  Margaery tells Tommen how lucky they are to know each other prior to an arranged marriage and they should take advantage and get to know one another.  Suddenly, Ser Pounce jumps up and interrupts the intense moment.  Tommen starts to confide in her and tell her about Joffrey’s sick plans for his poor cat.  Margaery lets him know that she thinks Joffrey is awful and asks him if he knows what happens when they marry.  “I become yours, forever,” she says.  Poor Tommen. He looks terrified of what that means but also intrigued and excited as Margaery bids him farewell and promises to visit again.  “Remember, our little secret,” she whispers before disappearing into the dark.

Jaime gives Brienne a new suit of armor and his new Valyerian steel sword, claiming that since the sword is made from Ned Stark’s sword and she will be using it to defend Sansa, she has to take it.  Brienne promises to find Sansa and take her somewhere safe, for Catelyn and for Jaime.   Jaime also gives her Pod as a squire.  Poor Pod.  He’s such a good, innocent lad; he can’t figure out how to properly address Brienne.  Jaime also gives Pod Tyrion’s axe from the Battle of Blackwater, per Tyrion’s request.  Hooray for Pod!  Another nice guy who seems to have survived the Game.  Now if only we could find Gendry….

So Jaime disobeyed Cersei and did everything he could to help Sansa, not kill her.  What does this mean about Jaime?  What does he feel for Brienne, if anything?  Is he a Lannister or an Oathkeeper, as Brienne so aptly named the sword?

House Baratheon

No news here. Where. Is. Gendry.

Rock Paper Watch’s Top Quote of 4×4:

Jenn’s Pick – “Kill the Masters.”  – Grey Worm to the slaves of Meereen 

Elizabeth’s Pick – “There’s nothing more tedious than a trial. Except perhaps these gardens. If I have to take one more leisurely stroll through these gardens I’ll fling myself from the cliffs.” – Lady Olenna (like viewers) is also annoyed that she’s only allowed to hang out in the Gardens

Game of Thrones Recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera (Lannister and Targaryen) and Elizabeth Bond (Stark and Baratheon).  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.

19 of the Sexiest TV Moments This Year

We’re counting down the sexiest moments of TV for the 2012-2013 season.  We’ve got it all from the “oh my goodness” to the “awwww.”  Get ready to fan yourself because things are about to get steamy!

1.  ‘Scandal’ Olivia and Fitz – The President’s Desk Will Never be the Same

When we initially started discussing this list, we knew right off the bat that Olivia and Fitz would take the cake. The hardest part was narrowing down which one of their steamy “its so wrong, but it feels so right” moments would make the cut. Once we started asking other Scandal viewers which moment was their favorite, this one was brought up time and time again. The sexual tension between these two is just off the charts, you know when these two get in a room together (specifically the oval office)…panties are going to drop.

2.  ‘The New Girl’ Nick and Jess – The Kiss

Boys, take a lesson in chemistry why don’t ya?

3. ‘Nashville’ Rayna and Deacon – FINALLY!

Is there anything to be said about this clip?  Not really, it’s just one of those you need to watch.  After a season of sexual tension and unfinished business, Nashville surprised us all by going there.  Instead of dragging it out, they passionately put them together.  And man, it was hot.

4. ‘Suits’ Mike and Rachel – That Can’t Be Legal

The sexual tension between these two has been building for two seasons now.  With several will they, won’t they, Mike screwed it up again moments we finally got what we’ve been waiting for and it DID NOT disappoint.  The emotionally charged scene starts with Rachel confronting Mike about why he wouldn’t send Harvard Law School a letter objecting to her rejection.  It seems he’s going to keep the truth from her until he says, “You don’t understand what I have been through, you don’t understand what I have lost.  Because it is everything, everyone that I love. Trevor. My grandmother. Harvey. Hell, probably this job.  I’m not ready to lose you, not today!” “Then tell me,” she demands.  It’s then that we see a change in Mike, he has to tell her.  With that, Mike finally admits that he never went to Harvard. Rachel reacts with anger, she slaps him and begins to storm away.  He grabs her and with a passionate kiss she gives into him and it’s on.  What’s next for Mike and Rachel?  We will soon find out, Season 3 starts July 16th.

5. ‘Game of Thrones’ Jon Snow and Ygritte – Jon Snow Does Know Some Things.

Finally!  A Jon Snow sex scene.  In an effort to prove himself, Ygritte convinces Jon Snow to break his chastity vow.   “You swore some vows; I want you to break them,” she says while stripping in a cave no less.  Ygritte runs her hands through Snow’s hair and says, ”You know nothing, Jon Snow” just as he makes his way downtown proving he does know a little something-something.  In the afterglow, they playfully hop into one of the steamy cave pools for a bath.  ”Let’s not go back,” she says. “I don’t ever want to leave this cave, Jon Snow.”  It’s a sweet moment between two people falling in love.

6.  ‘Mad Men’ Don and Betty – A Reunion Of Sorts

“This happened a long time ago.” – Betty

It’s the revenge of Betty, y’all.  The newly slim Betty kept the upper hand during this tryst when she found herself in bed with her ex-husband, and that’s what made it sexy.  She expressed no regrets at their night of passion and informed Don that she’s happy in her current marriage and no longer thinks about getting back together.  The kicker, she even sympathized with Don’s wife Megan, “That poor girl. She doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.”  The next morning when Don woke up, he found his ex-wife happily eating breakfast with her current husband.  I was cheering at my TV, you go Betty!

7. ‘Girls’ Hannah and Adam – Hannah Gets Swept Off Her Feet

Every girl (whether they admit it or not) wants a grand gesture.  You may have hated Adam in the beginning of Girls but he proved us all wrong by coming to Hannah’s rescue during her OCD breakdown.  The best part?  “You’re here?,” whispers Hannah.  “I was always here,” replies Adam.  GOD!  Why can’t all guys be there when we need them?!

8. ‘Homeland’ Carrie and Brody – A Quick Rendezvous

“Is this for real?” – Brody

This season, Brody acted as a double agent reporting to the CIA about an upcoming terrorist attack in which he plays an essential role.  Carrie, naturally, acted as his handler.  In episode 7, Brody, an up-and-coming politician had to attend a fundraiser.  Stressed about his double duties, he lost it and frantically called Carrie for a release.  She met Brody in the woods outside the fundraiser and just let him talk.  She listened to him recap the conversation he had with the party host, a Vietnam soldier who actually fought and didn’t disappear in a hole for eight years to reemerge as a terrorist. “He didn’t lose himself,” Brody said, “Worst part of it is, he believes I’m like him. That guy is the man I could have been, if I hadn’t…” Carrie reassuringly took his hand. They kissed, passionately.  Brody broke away “Is this for real?” he asked. Carrie replied, “I don’t know, and I don’t want you to feel used.” He tried kissing her again and then confessed: “You know what? I do feel used. And played. And lied to. But I also feel good.”  My favorite part about Homeland is how they have put together these two broken people.  They love each other endlessly but can’t seem to trust their emotions long enough to just let it be.

9. ‘Castle’ Kate and Castle – The Morning After

The after math of the Season 4 season finale. Would it be awkward? Will they just friends? What will they be?  They sure jumped right to the point with first episode of season 5….and we sure are glad they didn’t disappoint.

10. ‘The Vampire Diaries’ Caroline and Klaus – A Tender Goodbye

We know, we know.  Compared to the rest of the countdown this scene is pretty tame but is there anything sexier than a man willing to wait?  “Tyler is your first love, I intend to be your last,” says Klaus with a sweet kiss on the cheek.  Klaus, if you ever get impatient, I volunteer!

11. ‘Game of Thrones’ Robb and Talisa – The Young Wolf Takes a Bite

My word.  Two episodes before the Red Wedding we get this revealing scene between Robb and his wife Talisa.  The scene begins with the camera scaling up her body as it’s intertwined in Robb’s as he playfully kisses her.  As if that wasn’t delicious enough, he then bites and tugs on her lip.  GAWD!

12. ‘Downton Abbey’Lady Mary Crawley and Matthew Crawley – Confessions

“I would never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk the earth, which is true. And I think you feel the same about me.”

After 2 season of “will they or won’t they?” Lady Mary Crawley and Matthew Crawley finally admit their undying love for one another and seal the deal in a wedding true to Downton style. There is nothing sexy about this show, if anything its the complete opposite, so, you’re probably wondering why its on our sexy list? Well, if a guy were to tell me or any girl for that matter that he’d “never be happy with anyone else as long as I walk the earth.” Well, things would then, in theory, get sexy.

13. ‘Covert Affairs’ Annie and Auggie – A Dance in a Dream

After being shot and charged with treason, Annie lies unconscious at the hospital.  Auggie spends the episode trying to prove Annie’s innocence and sitting vigil at her bedside.  The epic scene starts with Auggie talking to Annie, “Annie, hey it’s me, Auggie.  You know, the guy that gave you the corvette.”  He begins they’re typical banter but then continues. “I miss you Annie, I have for a long time. Things have been different between us since Barcelona and it’s all my fault.  I’ve been closed off and distant and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that.  I don’t know if you can hear me but I need you to wake up. I know you’re not a traitor and right now you’re the only one that can help me help you.  I need you Annie.  I never needed anyone but I need you.”  He gently takes her hand.

In Annie’s dreamland, she walks into a fancy lobby with Auggie.  They approach a door and he asks, “Do you trust me?”  She responds, “With my life.”  They walk into a fancy party, Auggie in a tux and Annie in a gorgeous red dress.  They gracefully begin to dance.  “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” he says.  “I clean up nicely, don’t I?,” she replies.  “I’m not talking about the clothes,” he says before kissing her.  The kiss is sweet and tender.  When they part, Annie asks to dance a little bit longer.  Auggie replies, “There’s nothing I’d like more but you and I both know this isn’t our song.  We’ll dance again Walker when the music is right.”  “Until then,” says Annie.

After three seasons of incredible chemistry, this is the first hint that Annie does have true feelings for Auggie and wants to act on them.  It’s a great moment for fans of the show.  In the finale, Auggie and Annie get their moment as he confesses his feelings and they share a passionate kiss.  This time, it wasn’t a part of a dream.

14. ‘The Vampire Diaries’ Damon and Elena – Vampire Sex.. Finally!

They teased us in season 3 with an epic kiss.  Once Elena became a vampire, the big question was who would get to pop her vampire cherry.  We got our answer in the scene above as she chooses Damon over long-term boyfriend Stefan.  Fans got their long awaited Delena scene, even if it was kind of ruined by Caroline’s realization that Elena is sired to Damon so of course she would choose him it was still hot as hell!

15. ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Ted and the Mother – 45 Days

There may not be any physical action in this scene, but is there anything sexier than a man proclaiming his love for a woman?  Nope.  “I’m here now, I guess because I want those extra 45 days with you.  I want each one of them,” says future Ted who has traveled back in time to talk to his future wife even though they’re just 45 days away from meeting.  This scene also served as a welcome reminder that the end is near, Ted (and viewers) will soon meet the mother.  And we did just that in the season finale.

16. ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Karev and Jo – Find Your Crazy

Talk about stretching things out.  When we first met Jo at the start of season 9, she felt important.  In episode 9, Karev and Jo we’re paired together for Bailey’s wedding and all of a sudden her presence made sense.  She is the female Alex.  Over the next 15 episodes we watched Alex slowly realize his love for Jo.  When he did, he fought it saying that she was crazy.  Meredith quickly pointed out, “Maybe Jo’s crazy fits your crazy.  Don’t give up on her just yet, we didn’t give up on you.”  Later, when the moment was right Karev told her his true feelings leading to one of the few happy moments of this year’s Greys finale.

17. ‘Nashville’ Gunnar and Scarlett – Meeting in the Middle

First, he kissed her and she pulled away.  Then she kissed him back, but it was after his brother died and he was an emotional wreck.  Afterwards, he turned her away and called it a mistake.  Finally, they met in the middle.  “It wasn’t pity,” she tells him about the night before. “I don’t think it was a mistake either,” he replies.  Even though their relationship has been a rollercoaster and the season ended with a shocking proposal, you can’t help but replay this moment.  Their duets, as well as their passion is untouchable and I cannot get enough.

18. ‘Parks and Recreation’ Leslie and Ben – Mac and Cheese Pizza

It’s true, the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach and here is the proof.

19. ‘American Horror Story’ The Honeymooners – Scary Sex

Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan Tatum play a pair of twisted newlyweds enjoying their honeymoon by visiting haunted locations throughout the US.  Briarcliff, the home of season 2, is the last stop on their list.  After wandering through the halls, he eventually straps her to a table and they go at it.  The scene is dirty, and I mean dirty!  Shortly after they are interrupted by the season’s villain, Bloodyface.  And well, it’s all downhill from there.

The sexiest list was constructed by Rock Paper Watch authors Elizabeth Bond and Ashley Foster.  Feel free to reach out with comments or questions.  Thanks for reading!

Game of Thrones 3×10 Recap

Well, there you have it folks.  Another season of Game of Thrones down and now begins the waiting.  We breakdown the final episode and discuss where things could go moving forward.  Feel free to comment with your thoughts!

House Stark

Are you still grieving from last week?  I know I am.  Every time I close my eyes, I see Talisa getting repeatedly stabbed in the stomach or the episode-ending blow to Catelyn.  This week’s episode picks up right after the massacre.  Roose Bolton overlooks the mass violence from Frey’s castle.  The Hound is trying to sneak Arya away from the slaughter.  A group of Frey’s men are loudly chanting “King in the North.”  I was afraid we were going to see this.  The men have Robb’s body on a horse with his direwolf Grey Wind’s head in place of his own.  Poor Arya, naturally she chooses this moment to wake up and see her brother’s mutilated body being paraded by his murderers.

After things calm down, Lord Frey is having a celebratory snack as Roose Bolton parades around the dining hall absorbing the carnage.  From their conversation, we learn that Catelyn’s uncle, The Blackfish, escaped and the groom, Edmure Tully, wasn’t murdered, but spent his wedding night in the dungeon.  But all of that is old news.  Frey is getting all worked up thinking about his new bride to replace the one Catelyn killed.

Finally, we get an explanation from Roose about why he turned on Robb.  Being his right hand man, the Young Wolf constantly ignored his advice at every turn.  Now, Robb will just be “Forever Young.”  As Roose and Frey continue their conversation, we FINALLY learn who has Theon and what happened at Winterfell.

Theon Greyjoy is being held captive by Roose Bolton’s bastard, Ramsey Snow.  Ramsey also set fire to Winterfell and is using Theon as a way to persuade the Iron Islands out of the North.

Did you figure it out?  Does this mean anything to you?  From conversations I’ve had with watchers (not readers), they were unclear about the identity of Roose Bolton.  Truthfully, he’s been on screen since Season 2 but always lurking in the shadows and easily missed by audiences so this may not feel like an impactful reveal, but the GOT creators have been carefully planting hints for a few episodes.  Read more about them here.

We catch up with Ramsey and Theon during dinner as Ramsey is suggestively chomping on a sausage while poking fun at Theon for losing his best quality.  Yes ladies, we have another reason to mourn.  Theon is now a eunich.

Ramsey has now figured out that physically torturing Theon is no longer enough.  He has to take his pride, any last shred of identity and self respect.  After beating him for a bit, Ramsey forces Theon to identify himself by a new name—Reek.

Moving to the Iron Islands, Balon Greyjoy is opening a letter from Ramsey Snow ordering Balon’s men out of the North.  As Balon is reading the letter, Theon’s sister Yara is opening a box.  Before she even unwraps it, we know what’s in there and I’m just glad we didn’t have to see it.  Ramsey has sent Theon’s “member” to his family as a threat.  Theon’s sister is deeply impacted by her brother’s loss.  Balon could care less.  In his eyes, Theon can no longer continue the Greyjoy line.  What use is he now?  Balon has no interest in saving Theon.  Yara has other ideas.  She plans to march on Dreadfort and rescue her brother.  She’s gathering the strongest men and the best ship and is on a mission.  It will be interesting to see this play out in the next season.  I know this time last year, we all hated Theon.  Have your thoughts changed?  Do you pity him or still think he got what he deserved?

Arya and the Hound are making their way to the next destination.  On the way, they pass some of Frey’s troops making jokes about the Red Wedding and Robb’s mutilation.  She triumphantly jumps off the horse.  Unlike we’ve seen Arya in the past, she’s not approaching them confidently but sheepishly.  She’s using her youth to her advantage to gain their trust.  She offers one of them her coin in exchange for food.  The coin was giving to her by her assassin friend Jaqen last season.  When the man goes to grab it, she stabs him and stabs him and stabs him.

The Hound quickly jumps in the kill off the rest of them men. “Next time you’re going to do something like that, tell me first,” says The Hound.

This is a big turning point for Arya. It’s her first direct, intential kill.  Arya reveals that she stole The Hound’s knife without him realizing it.  I’m curious to see how hanging out with The Hound will help Arya to grow.  I have a feeling he will provide an outlet for her anger.  I hope he continues her training that we saw in season one.

Bran and company have taken up camp in another abandoned castle, this time closer to The Wall.  Hodor (providing some much needed comedic relief) does his hodor-ing, this time down a well.

Bran tells Jojen and Meera a ghost story about a man who was condemned for killing a guest beneath his room (the gods are coming for you Frey).  Later that night, there’s a noise that wakes up Bran.  It’s Sam and Gilly and I’m so happy to see them!  They made their way through the secret passageway through The Wall.  Sam immediately figures out that Bran is Bran, Jon Snow’s brother.  Bran tries to pretend there’s some other young lord who’s crippled wandering around the North with a direwolf.  Once Bran “reveals” who he is, Sam promises to do anything he can to help them.  “Take us north of The Wall,” requests Bran.  That’s probably the last thing Sam wants to hear.  Is this Bran’s purpose?  Is he essential in defeating the White Walkers?

Sam guides Bran and company to The Wall, provides them with some dragonglass and stresses the importance of staying safe.  The whole time I couldn’t help but think “Man, when Jon Snow finds out he’s gonna be PISSED!”

Later Sam and Gilly make their way to Castle Black and explain to the Maester what they saw beyond The Wall.  The Maester inquires about Gilly and her son (who is now named Sam, awwww).  Sam defends keeping Gilly at Castle Black and points out that The Wall was not erected to keep out Wildlings.  Aemon decides that Gilly will stay as a guest.  After that he sends a blast mailing to all of Westeros alerting them of the White Walkers and the impending danger.

Speaking of Jon Snow, we catch up with him as he licks his wounds from that eagle last week.  Ygritte has tracked him down and we get this exchange:

Jon Snow:  Ygritte you know I didn’t have a choice.  You always knew who I was, what I am.  I have to go home now.  I know you won’t hurt me.
Ygritte:  You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Snow:  I do know some things.  I know I love you.  I know you love me.  I have to go home now.

Then, in probably the most shocking part of the episode, SHE SHOOTS HIM!  Ygritte shoots him with three arrows as he’s trying to board his horse and get away.  Later, Snow’s frail body approaches Castle Black and is immediately let in.  Hanging on to life, he reunites with Sam.  God, I love a bromance.

House Baratheon

Ser Davos, while visiting Gendry in the dungeon, bonds with him over their humble beginnings in Fleabotton.  Gendry defends his actions with the Red Woman.  “You’re me.  Never been with a woman, never talked to a woman really.  Then she comes at you.  Big words, no clothes, what would you have done?”  Davos then tells Gendry of his son.  Obviously Davos feels some kind of remorse and blame for what happened to his son during the Battle of Blackwater.  He sees some of his son in Gendry and feels the need to protect him.

Later, Stannis and Melisandre learn of Robb’s death and are tickled that their leech trick worked.  It’s obvious what they must do next.  They plan to burn Gendry alive.  Davos is not having it.  He warns Stannis of using black magic to win a war.  Stannis counters with the story of the Targaryens and how they won Westeros with dragons aka black magic.  “What is the life of one bastard boy against a kingdom?” Stannis asks.  “Everything,” replies Davos.

Davos decides to take matters into his own hands.  He sneaks Gendry out of the castle and puts him on a boat and tells him where to row to escape.  Gendry, we’ll miss you and your abs.

Later, Daavos is being reprimanded by Stannis, and he condemns him to death.  Davos, as the Hand of the King, advises against it and then whips out his secret weapon.  It’s the letter from Maester Aemon expressing the dangers beyond The Wall.  Melisandre inspects the letter and then throws it into the fire.  I guess we can assume she got some type of vision from the fire about the future.  She agrees, “The true war lies to the North.”  She advises that Stannis spare Davos, he’ll need him in the future.

House Lannister

We meet up with the Lannisters’ with Tyrion and Sansa (odd that she’s now a Lannister) walking through King’s Landing with Shae trailing behind. The pair of them are peculiar – one the daughter of traitor Ned Stark and the other a demon monkey – so as they walk, people are mocking them. The two have developed an odd friendship and they try to help each other suffer through their situation. It turns out that Tyrion also keeps a list, just like Sansa’s sister. But he doesn’t intend to kill the people on his list, just make them suffer and wish they were dead. The two of them begin to plot ways to punish Tyrion’s listees when Sansa suggests they “sheep shift” their beds.  “Why sheep shift?,” Tyrion asks his new wife. It’s almost cute – the poor girl thinks it’s the correct vulgar word for dung. Just another little reminder for Tyrion about the young age of his new bride.

Pod calls Tyrion off to the Small Council meeting. King Joffrey is in attendance now, and he’s bursting with joy with news to share with Tyrion. Tyrion reads a note from a raven. “Roslyn caught a fine fat trout. Her brother’s gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. ~ Walder Frey” We wish it was bad poetry, Tyrion, but it’s not. Joffrey ecstatically reveals that Robb Stark and his “bitch mother” are dead, and he demands that Frey send Robb’s head to the capital so Joffrey can serve it to Sansa at his wedding. Cersei tries to pretend like Joffrey is joking but he insists otherwise until Sansa’s new hubbie speaks up. Tyrion declares that Sansa is no longer his to torment. “Everyone is mine to torment,” Joffrey replies. Tyrion then reminds Joffrey that kings are dropping like flies. He essentially threatens to kill him and Tyrion probably crossed the line this time, but he doesn’t back down. Joffrey yells about how he’s the king and you can’t talk to him like that, like he always does, until Tywin Lannister speaks up for his son. “Any man who must say I am the king is no true king,” says Tywin. Joffrey is shocked.

And (finally!) Tywin and Joffrey go at it. Joffrey touches a soft spot when he mocks Tywin for “hiding under Casterly Rock” during Robert’s Rebellion. Even Cersei realizes that Joffrey is overstepping his safe boundaries. Tywin Lannister is the most powerful man in Westeros. He made that clear when he executed the Red Wedding, when he squashed the entire Northern Rebellion with one strategic move. Joffrey may be the king, but like Tywin says, a crown does not give you power. Power is power, and Tywin has all of it. Then, Tywin does something really unexpected. He puts little King Joff to bed, and as Tyrion so aptly puts it, even without dinner. Joffrey honestly looked like a toddler when he yelled “I’m not tired!” I was waiting for him to stomp his feet in a tantrum. But he doesn’t and he goes off to bed like his grandfather commands.

Tyrion tries to leave, until he hears the infamous line, “Not you.” It’s not ever you, Tyrion, why do you even try to leave? Tyrion and Tywin talk about the great crime that Tywin just committed. Tyrion recognizes immediately that Frey would have done nothing that grievous without Tywin’s backing and he eerily warns his father that “the Northerners will never forget.” Tywin tries to morally justify the Red Wedding. He argues that it’s better to save the lives of thousands and kill a few royal men at dinner than it is to fight in war.  He dismisses Tyrion’s fears about the North. “Let them remember what happens when they march on the South.”

Tywin tells Tyrion that Roose Bolton is going to be Warden of the North until Sansa and Tyrion’s son comes of age. Hold up, speaking of son. Tywin reminds Tyrion that he needs to get to work on that, but Tyrion refuses to rape his wife. How…sweet? The whole conversation was completely disturbing. Tywin then tells Tyrion the key to success in Westerosi politics. “The House that puts family first will always defeat the House that puts the whims and wishes of its sons and daughters first.” Tyrion laughs at his father, and asks Tywin when he ever did anything that wasn’t of his own selfish desires. Tywin (of course) has a shocking response – the day that he decided not to kill infant Tyrion. Tywin even cries a little bit during this speech when he talks about saving Tyrion’s life only because he was a Lannister. Wow, allowing his infant son to live must have been really painful for him.

Tyrion goes back to deliver the horrible news about the Red Wedding to Sansa but thankfully, we are not subjected to the pain of seeing Sansa find out. She already knows.

Varys and Shae have a touching scene where he asks her to leave King’s Landing. He gives her a sack of diamonds, and tells her the reason she needs to leave is because she makes things dangerous and complicated for Tyrion. Varys and Shae bond over the fact that they are both commoners, and will never truly be able to sit among the royals. “You have one name, as do I. Here, only the family name matters,” Varys reminds Shae. It seems Varys truly does believe that Tyrion is a good man, and the best chance Westeros has in becoming a better place. But with Shae around, Tyrion will accomplish nothing. Shae refuses to leave until Tyrion asks her to leave on his own. Though, I’m not sure if Tyrion actually has anything to do with this visit from Varys. I’m almost sure that he doesn’t, and that he’d be furious if he knew it was happening.

Pod and Tyrion are drinking. Pod is having trouble keeping up. “It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy,” Tyrion drunkenly educates Pod. Cersei Lannister enters from the shadows to spend some QT time with her baby brother. Cersei finally explains how she manages to sleep at night – she doesn’t think about the cruel things that happen to anyone. She also insists she won’t marry Loras, but doesn’t share any plans of how she’ll avoid her destiny. She implores Tyrion to give Sansa a baby, claiming that she wishes for that only so Sansa can have happiness in her life. Cersei reveals that her children are the only reason she hasn’t committed suicide, even her demented child, Joffrey. She shares some cute baby Joff stories, and openly acknowledges how awful he is now. Tyrion then asks his sister how long it will all go on, and she knows exactly what he means. Their fathers’ wars will go on as long as he has enemies, and he will always have enemies, so they better buckle up for the violent road they’re heading down.

I was a little disappointed with this final Cersei/Tyrion scene. Cersei seemed a little underused and overshadowed this season, with all the power players cooped up in King’s Landing. But, I know there is a lot of Cersei’s story left to come, so I can deal with it for now.

Jaime Lannister makes it back to King’s Landing with Brienne of Tarth. The two can say so much with just a look. He’s upset no one recognizes (or respects) him, and she lets him know that it’s okay. He’s still Jaime to her, not the Kingslayer, no matter what. But, as much as I want these two to be together, I doubt it will happen. Jaime goes to see Cersei right away. He says her name, and she turns knowingly. She looks shocked? relieved? dismayed to see him? It’s not really clear. He looks ashamed. I don’t get it — it’s not his fault he’s been missing all this time, and mamed in the process. Is she really that mad over a hand? Sheesh.

House Targaryen

We finally catch up with the Dragon Queen in the final scene of the episode. The episode is entitled “Mhsya,” and up to this point, there was no mention of the Valeryian word. So one could assume that it would tie heavily into the Targaryen storyline. And boy, did it.

Dany is waiting outside of the gates of Yunkai, the city that she most recently “sacked” or killed all of the slave masters, flanked by Ser Jorah Mormont, Missandei, Ser Barristan Selmy, Daario Naharis, three dragons, and 8,000 Unsullied. She looked fierce and magnificent, and also a little terrifying.  Dany is unsure how the slaves of Yunkai will receive her – Is she a conqueror or a liberator? – and she seems unnerved as the gates slowly began to open. The slaves of Yunkai began to march out in droves.  Missandei introduced Dany as “Daenerys Targaryen, the Stormborn, the Unburnt, the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, the Mother of Dragons.” Dany steps forward and tells the people that they don’t owe her their freedom, because their freedom is not hers to give. She encourages them to take their freedom back, and stands waiting for a response. Slowly, they begin raising their hands and shouting “Mhysa.” Missandei, shocked, tells her that this means “Mother.” Dany realizes that they won’t hurt her, and moves forward into the crowd on her own while the dragons fly above.

She walks among them, and then is carried rockstar-style above them, all the while they shout Mhysa and look at her with adoration and love. Her Queen’s Guard watches on in shock and awe as Dany is carried among the people. Then, the camera pans into an aerial shot, where you can see the immense size of the group of people flocking towards her, and she stands as the lone silver beacon among a sea of thousands and thousands of slaves.

The entire scene took my breath away, and it ended Season 3 on an inspirational and uplifting note. Dany has truly come full circle.  At the end of Season 1, she is left childless and widowed. She has three dragons, but no army, no money, and no ships. At the end of Season 2, she finally has managed to get money and ships, but still no army. By the end of Season 3, Dany has a horde following her, and thousands of people who look at her as their liberator and their mother. It’s almost as if she had to lose her own child, and suffer through great personal tragedy and loss, in order to become this powerful ruler. Recall early in Season 3 when her advisors tell her it is critical to gather a following not based on fear, but love. Dany did that, and now she has a force that truly can beat any army in Westeros. But, is that the destiny of Dany’s horde, or is there a greater purpose for Dany and her dragon army?

Final Thoughts on Season 3:

As we conclude Season 3 and wait ten months for a new season, we can’t help but think that GOT is entering a whole new ball game. With so many major characters dying, and the Northern Rebellion ending, the story is advancing into new and unknown territory. The main source of conflict is over, so we’re left thinking – now what?

Melisandre laid it out best when she said that the War of Five Kings means nothing now and the true threat lies to the North. What does this mean for the rest of Westeros, who are mostly ignorant of the impending doom? When will Tywin Lannister pay attention to the real threat, or will he ignore it? If so, will that mistake cost him? Also, how will Bran and his friends tie into all of this? Was Sam right, will this peculiar group of wargs and Hodor save the world? Can Bran really warg into anything? If so, that must include dragons. Can Bran use the dragons to burn all of the walkers? More importantly, when will Dany learn about everything that’s happening, and finally return to Westeros?

Only time will tell. For now, we just want to thank the GOT showrunners for producing another phenomenal season of television. We also want to thank you, our readers, for following us all season long. We hope to catch up with you next year when we recap GOT Season 4!

Rock Paper Watch’s Top Quote of 3X10:

Jenn’s Pick – “Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – Tyrion Lannister to King Joffrey

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Elizabeth’s Pick – “You really think a crown gives you power?”   – Tywin Lannister summing up Game of Thrones in one, incredible sentence

Game of Thrones Recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera (Lannister and Targaryen) and Elizabeth Bond (Stark and Baratheon).  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.  

Top 10 Moments from Game of Thrones 3×7 “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

In Game of Thrones episode 3×7 ‘The Bear and the Maiden Fair’ we actually got a bear, and a (sort of) maiden fair.  Oh, and everyone is in love.  Instead of a recap this week, we are counting down our favorite moments of the episode.

#10 Love vs. Loyalty

It seems that everyone is struggling between love and loyalty.  Jon Snow is falling in love with Ygritte, but wanting to remain loyal to the Night’s Watch.  Ygritte is realizing that eventually she’s going to have to choose between Jon Snow and the Wildlings (I think she’ll choose Snow, once she realizes the Wildlings don’t really stand a chance).  Robb has abandoned his loyalty to Frey for his love for Talisa.  Tyrion is struggling between his love for Shae and his loyalty to his family.

#9 Gendry finds out he’s royalty

Melisandre:  Your blood is noble.
Gendry:  Are you saying my father, he was some lord or…
Melisandre:  There. Your father’s house. (pointing to the Red Keep)
Gendry:  I’m just a bastard.
Melisandre:  The bastard of Robert of the House Baratheon, first of his name, King of Andals and the First Men.  Haven’t you ever wondered where your strength comes from?  Your talent for fighting?

#8 Girl talk with Margaery and Sansa

Margaery helps Sansa understand a little bit about the birds and the bees as they discuss her upcoming nuptials to Tyrion.

“Some women like tall men. Some like short men. Some like hairy men, some like bald men. Gentle men, rough men, ugly men, pretty men. Pretty girls. Most women don’t know what they like until they’ve tried it. And sadly so many of us get to try so little before we’re old and gray.”

The best part was when Sansa asked Margaery how she knew all this?  “Yes, sweet girl, my mother taught me.”  Sweet girl aka dumb girl.

#7 Joffrey is actually right

Joffrey and Tywin have a bit of a showdown, each assert their dominance.  Tywin wins of course, but Joffrey is right when you think about it.  He should be briefed on the small council.  And, he’s the only one showing any concern about the impending threat of Dany and her dragons.

#6 Ygritte sees a castle (or a windmill, same difference)

Now on the other side of the wall, it’s Jon’s turn to educate Ygritte about the ways of the land.  After mistaking a windmill for a castle, he know he’s got a long road in front of him.  He tells her about Westeros girls, how they swoon and wear silk dresses.  And of course, how he wants to see her in a pretty silk dress (so he can rip it off).  Ygritte replies, “You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.”

#5 Dany’s Throne

Could it be anymore perfect?

#4 Girl Power

Dany proves that she’s a force to be reckoned with.  To expand her title as “The Breaker of Chains,” she has set her eyes on Yunkai, the home of 200,000 slaves.  Yunkai offers her a chest full of gold and a fleet of ships to leave their city alone.  Dany counters that she will spare his life if his city releases every single slave.  “Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy,” she says cooly.  Then she keeps the gold as the dragons force him to leave.

#3 Jaime saves Brienne

Revealing our title “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” Brienne is thrown into a pit with a bear and a wooden sword to protect herself.  Jaime returns from his release to save her.  He jumps into the pit completely unarmed in order to force Bolton’s men into helping.  He refuses to come out until Brienne is pulled up safely.  Then he scrambles up with the help of Brienne.  It was very heroic.

#2 The Bear

#1 Robb’s Bum

I would post a picture, but this is a family friendly blog. 😉

Game of Thrones 3×2 Recap

This week’s episode was titled “Dark Wings, Dark Words” an obvious shout out to the crows that constantly plague Westeros with bad news.   This week’s episode addresses the story lines of everyone we missed last week, setting us up for the drama that is sure to happen in the episodes moving forward.  With that, let’s get started.

House Stark

Jon Snow – Jon Snow is now best buds with the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Raydar.  The two are out for a leisurely stroll discussing Mance’s ability to unite several tribes that hate each other.  How did he do it?  “I told them we were all going to die if we don’t get south,” he says.  Is Mance taking Jon under his wing?  Does he see some of himself in the Stark bastard?  Could he be training him to be potential king?  At this point and time, we still don’t know what Jon Snow is up to.  Has he officially abandoned the Night Watch?  Or is he trying to infiltrate Mance’s inner circle?

During their walk they meet a “warg” or an ex-pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean.  A warg is a man who can enter the minds of animals.  Jon Snow is impressed.  Ygritte is appalled that he’s never met one before.  God, this guy cannot catch a break!

The warg sees dead crows (reminder Dark Wings, Dark Words), which could be symbolism for the White Walkers taking the wall and killing the “crows” (Night Watch).

Sansa – Shae expresses her concern about the conversation Sansa had with Littlegfinger last week.  Naturally, Shae is concerned that Littlefinger will now take Sansa as his own little plaything.  Definitely a reasonable concern, I mean the guy is strangely obsessed with her mother, Catelyn.

Sansa has been asked to meet with Margaery and her spit-fire of a grandmother Lady Olenna (I love this woman, she reminds me of every southern grandmother).  There to escort her is Renly’s ex, Ser Loras.  During their walk Sansa reminds them of the time he gave her a red rose before a joust, he doesn’t recall it, we remember he was too busy making googly eyes at Renly instead.

Lady Olenna greets Sansa warmly, and with lemon cakes (man, I’d love a lemon cake right now).  But the kindness doesn’t come without a price.  Lady Olenna and Margaery want to know about Joffrey’s true nature, and they think Sansa is a reliable source.  Sansa reacts how she always reacts, carefully and with poise.  She’s got to protect herself from the dreadful king.  It’s obvious that she’s terrified, but its time for the girl to start making allies.

“He’s a monster.”
“That’s a pity,” Olenna replies.

Anyone else think that Sansa will eventually be betrothed to Ser Loras?  It would be a great way for Sansa to protect herself and remain inside the inner circle.

Robb – The eldest Stark is still married (rats) and found flirting with his wife, Talisa.  Their affections are interrupted by Roose Bolton who has bad crow news (see title).  Catelyn’s father is dead and Winterfell has been burned down.  Rickon and Bran are nowhere to be found and there’s no word from Theon.

Robb is still dealing with grumpy bannermen.  One in particular isn’t afraid to let Robb know that “[he] lost this war the day [he] married her,” nodding to Talisa.  Robb can no longer use his hand in marriage as a bargaining chip, and he dishonored his previous promise to Lord Frey’s daughter.  But what’s done is done; it’s time to figure out a new strategy for winning the war.

Later Catelyn bonds with Talisa (something tells me we’ll never see something like this between Cersai and Margaery).  Catelyn is making what looks to be an over-sized dream catcher to protect her children (since they’re all missing or being held captive).  She discusses the previous times she has made a dream catcher like thing.  One child was sick with the pox and the Stark’s were told he wasn’t going to make it through the night.  She sat by his bedside the entire night, praying for his recovery.  It’s heartbreaking when she confesses that the child was Jon Snow.  Turns out Catelyn bargained for his recovery by promising to love him like her own, to accept him into her family.  When Snow recovered she couldn’t follow through.  She blames everything that has happened since on her inability to love a motherless child.

Theon – Guess what guys, Theon’s not dead!  But I’m sure he would rather be than stuck in his current situation.  Theon is locked in some dreary dungeon (we’re not sure where) being tortured by someone (we’re not sure who).  The torturer wants to know why he attacked Winterfell, Theon spews out any possible answer.  None seem to satisfy the torturer.  He’s fingernail is torn off and screws are driven into his feet.  I cringed.  Did you find some satisfaction in seeing Theon in pain or did you feel sorry for him?  Call me a traitor if you must, but I kind of felt sorry for the guy.

A boy (hello Iwan Rheon of London’s Spring Awakening) there to clean the dungeon (good to know the torture is sanitary) let’s Theon know that he’s here to help, was sent by Theon’s sister, Yara.

Bran – The episode begins in Bran’s head.  In his dream, he is hunting the three-eyed crow (see title), the viewer is reminded of simpler times as he’s seen learning to shoot with Jon and Robb.  Did anyone else get sentimental when Ned’s voice made an appearance?

A boy appears in Bran’s dream and gives him some advice “You can’t kill it because the raven is you.”  When he wakes, he’s back in the woods, still paralyzed and with Osha and Hodor.  Bran begins to tell Osha of the dream but she doesn’t want to hear it.  Whoa, Bran’s voice has dropped, he sounds like a little man now.

Later Bran is asleep (again) but wakes to find Osha and the direwolf ready to pounce on a mysterious rustling noise coming from the woods.  I don’t know about you guys but if I was in a fight, I would want Osha on my team.  The mysterious young man from the dream approaches.  We meet Jojan Reed and his sister Meera.  Jojan and Meera are the children of Howland Reed, a friend and bannerman of Eddard Stark.  He has been looking for Bran; he can see Bran’s visions and recognizes that Bran possesses the sight or the ability to see the past, future, and present.  This explains the opening scene; it wasn’t just a dream after all.  If Bran has the sight, does this mean Rickon does too?  You may remember they both saw the death of their father in Season 1.  Man, those Stark kids are a complex bunch!

The way Bran’s face lit up when he realized his special talent was precious.  It’s as if he finally realizes his purpose.

Arya – Finally!  The moment we’ve all been waiting for.  First of all, Bran isn’t the only Stark child that’s grown a lot since last season.  There’s no way Arya could hide being a girl now.  We find her walking through the woods with Gendry and Hot Pie.  Gendry is asking the questions we’ve all asked since last season.  Arya could have killed off anyone, why not kill off someone important?  “You could have picked King Joffrey!  You could have picked Tywin Lannister! You could have ended the war!”  Preach.

They are found and taken in the woods by a group called Brotherhood Without Banners.  The Brotherhood is an outlaw group who fights the Lannisters in the name of former King Robert.  The Brotherhood is led by Thoros of Myr, who is more interested in how two young boys and a very dangerous girl managed to escape Harrenhal.  He wants to treat them to lunch and hear their story.

Arya is waiting for the other shoe to drop, like their captivity is imminent.  She’s not giving any details away about how they escaped Harrenhal.  The Brotherhood has a laugh at her claiming to be a fighter; Arya draws her sword in an effort to prove herself.  Thoros immediately knocks the sword out of her hand.  Impressed by her nerve, Thoros honors his word to let them go.

It’s then that the men bring in another captive, an “uncommonly large person.”  It’s The Hound.  Arya tries to sneak by but he sees her. “What in the seven hells are you doing with the Stark bitch?”  Just kidding, Arya.  You’re not going anywhere.

House Lannister

The first Lannister sighting that we have this episode is finally the Kingslayer himself, Jaime Lannister. Portrayed by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Jaime Lannister is a wonderful character. My only regret for him in his current state is that he’s filthy and covered in rags. I miss the beauty of Jaime Lannister and I hope we see it again one day!

But, as we catch up with Jaime Lannister, he is being transported on foot to King’s Landing by Brienne of Tarth. Brienne is acting upon the orders of Lady Catlyn Stark. Brienne reminds Jaime of this, and her intention to trade his life for the lives of Arya and Sansa, as the episode begins. As the scene first started, my first thought was, “Still? We’re STILL seeing these two just walk and talk?”, but I was quickly reminded of why these scenes work so well. Brienne and Jaime have so much chemistry. Not chemistry in that “let’s have sex” kind of way, but chemistry in their banter and contempt for each other and their purposes in life. Jaime is desperate to break the will of his captor so he begins verbally attacking Brienne. He mocks her size and personality, and he pushes her about her relationship with the late Renly Baratheon. Jaime quickly figures out that Brienne had feelings for Renly, and he doesn’t hesitate to inform her that she wasn’t Renly’s type. “You’re far too much man for him,” mocks Jaime. “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made of c*cks. They’d have never got him off it.” Brienne doesn’t let Jaime get to her, but her patience quickly grows thin. Jaime actually surprised me in this scene when he tells Brienne that he doesn’t blame her or Renly, because you can’t choose who you love. I guess that helps to explain why Jaime, the gorgeous golden lion, would choose his demented twin sister as a lover instead of any other woman, or all the women, of Westeros.

Jaime and Brienne’s argument was interrupted by the passing by of a farmer. The farmer calls out to Brienne and Jaime, but acts as if he doesn’t recognize either one of them. He informs them that he is headed to Riverrun, and assures Jaime he is in safe hands with the massive woman, Brienne. As he leaves, Jaime warns Brienne that the farmer recognized the Kingslayer, and that she needs to keep him quiet. Brienne’s morals seem to prevent her from killing the innocent man, but this will prove to be very important later in the episode.

The next Lannister we see is King Joffrey, playing dress up with his mother. I couldn’t help but think that Joffrey is clearly the client from hell. After Joffrey sends his designer to find all new options, Cersei begins to question Joffrey about Margaery. “Tell me what you think of her.” Joffrey seems to think it’s an ideal match, if you’re only thinking in terms of beating the North. He won’t indulge his mother in this conversation, and one wonders if its on purpose or if Joffrey is ignorant to the happenings of the women around him. Joffrey seems to think intelligent women are only those women who do what they are told. I wonder if he truly has any idea who he is living with. I’m also beginning to sense trouble in paradise with the mother lion and her cub.

Tyrion walks into his new and improved Lannister digs only to find Shae waiting for him. Tyrion is disturbed at her sight, and worries that someone saw her. He seems truly frightened that Tywin will kill Shae if he catches her, and it seems like he’s not willing to take any more risks. But he softens as he listens to Shae warn him about Sansa’s involvement with Littlefinger. Tyrion is no idiot, and he realizes that Baelish can’t be trusted. But as he mentions his knowledge of Ros, both politically and horizontally, we see Shae grow quite jealous. (Though I’m not sure what she expected. A virgin imp? His life would’ve sucked!) That jealousy grows worse when Tyrion accidentally calls Sansa a great beauty with an old name. I thought this was kind of weird, as Shae has never really displayed any jealousy towards Sansa, or Tyrion with other women before. That makes me think that this scene was carefully inserted into this episode for a reason. I have a feeling that this will prove to mean something later this season.

I’m not going to lie, I was kind of disappointed with the PG-13 sex scene between Tyrion and Shae. These two have great chemistry, and I hope we get to see some of that action soon.

In the next Lannister scene, we see Joffrey welcome Margaery into his suite. As she enters, she finds Joffrey pointing his new bow directly at her. It’s clear that he is testing her, and thanks to Lady Sansa, she is more prepared for this test. He begins by pretending to be sweet and caring, but quickly changes and questions her marriage to Renly. She doesn’t falter in her poise or attitude, and even manages to give answers that turn the tables so he feels sorry for her. She tells Joffrey that she married Renly because she was told to, and she did her duty to him as any wife owes a man. She tells him that they never made love because he seemed to prefer other things. She is careful in her words but while she talks, she doesn’t stop moving forward until she is sitting next to him. This is a bold move, and one that Joffrey isn’t used to. Margaery understands where Joffrey places women in society and she knows not to push it. So she belittles herself and her intelligence, and assures Joffrey that he has the right to do whatever pleases him, no matter how cruel or twisted it might be.

One thing that I thought was peculiar was Joffrey’s level of discomfort when she describes Renly’s sexual desires. He even backed off from her touch. He starts to warm up to her eventually, but only because it seems that she knows exactly how to play his sadistic side. Is Joffrey accustom to the same preversion as Renly? Only a sex scene with Margaery can show us otherwise!! Let’s make it happen, writers.

Margaery truly is a perfect match for Joffrey. She sees what excites him and probes it. She shows interest and excitement in his weapon and she applauds him for his skills. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable anymore, as he shows her how to use the weapon, but he seems enthralled that a woman could be into death and murder. “Would you like to watch me?”, she asks him as she describes the thrill of pulling the trigger here, and watching something die over there. I don’t think he could contain himself anymore after that. Their chemistry is so insane and I loved this scene, even if it made me a little uncomfortable. I think Margaery is the only woman who might be able to outwit and outsmart Joffrey, but I hope it takes her a little bit, because watching these two tango with medieval weapons is more entertaining than Dancing with the Stars this season.

Jaime and Brienne conclude the episode. “It’s wonderful to watch you wrestle with these dilemmas, which will she choose.” Jaime mocks Brienne as she has to choose between crossing the bridge on the road that is out in the open, or finding a long way around to avoid the King’s Road. “Gambler at heart, wouldn’t have guessed.” As they begin to cross over the open bridge, Jaime sits down and actually complains of suffering from corns. This made me laugh, but I laughed even more when he managed to get away from Brienne and arm himself with her sword with this ploy. I can’t believe she fell for it! She almost deserved his feeble attempt at escape.

When I realized that these two were finally going to have at it with swords, I was excited! But I really thought that it would be more of a competition. I understand that Jaime is still handcuffed and weak from traveling, but he talks a mighty big game and he is the Kingslayer! But Brienne puts him down with ease. The great beast of a woman that she is barely breaks a sweat when she knocks Jaime to the ground. In fact, it didn’t seem like much of a competition at all. Then, when it seems like Brienne can collect her prisoner and move on, in enters Robb’s bannermen, the Flayed Man of House Bolton. It turns out Jaime was right and the innocent farmer did recognize him. Jaime tried to barter for his life with his father’s gold, as did Tyrion back in Season 1, but the Boltons’ didn’t bite. As the episode ends, Brienne and Jaime are apprehended by the Northmen once again, or so it seems!

House Baratheon

Not much on Baratheon this week, a few “sentimental” remarks from Margaery about Renly.  Hopefully, we’ll get an update on Stannis next week!

House Targaryen

Unfortunately, there was no Dany or Targaryen action in this episode. That means we also didn’t have any dragon sightings. Let’s just hope this means we will have a double dose of Dany & the dragons next week!

Game of Thrones Recaps are authored by Jenn O’Mera (Lannister and Targaryen) and Elizabeth Bond (Stark and Baratheon).  Feel free to contact any author with feedback or questions.